Old love - New love
by Yuriku
Summary: It is updated and corrected story of "Finding New Old love" Where Alec had died after break up with Magnus. But in the end Magnus had done something that changed everything... - Well I kind of fail at summaries so... well it is up to you to read it or not. Magnus&Alec in a way Simon&Izzy Clary&Jace Rating might change with chapters.
1. Magnus POV(Sweet&terrible Nightmares)

**This story was on fanfiction before , but I had taken it down and corrected some errors and misunderstandings I found in it - while I was reading it over one time. I corrected all mistakes I did and changed some things in it. I think now it is better than it was before :) Well I hope. Sorry about it all! It was just to rushed when I first uploaded it.  
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**Well I am working on all chapters right now and I should upload them all soon or even maybe today later.  
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**Sorry again all ^-^"  
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**Well enjoy! R/R would be really welcomed muahaha like always ;) ?  
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**Well till next time ^^  
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**xoxxo  
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**Dolf- aka SSUTK  
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**I**t was a week since his love of life died.

And Magnus knew it was all his fault.

The way he left crying and broken shadow hunter in the dark tunnel. Where vampires were living and travelling around since they hated sun. Magnus should have known that Alec would do something reckless and stupid like run after Camille – after Magnus ex.

Even when it was hundreds of years back – since they were together. Magnus was sick even thinking about that name and he was well... even when he felt like everything was taken away from him.

His reason to live. His reason to exist in this messed up universe.

Magnus was a little bit happy knowing that Camille was dead and gone just ashes in wind. He was a bit happy about it even when he knew Camille for so long and was with her more than just a friends once but he knew he was just like pet to her. Not that he cared much about that now. It was past. Now it was future..Present. Where he was all alone and broken. His heart was shattered into million small pieces and he knew that if someone looked closely they would only find small shreds of what was once heart. It was all his own damn fault. He didn't listen to Alec didn't let him explain why he was talking with Camille behind his back and why he did consider about making him High Warlock of Brooklyn mortal. He knew that Alec never would have done it to him.

He knew that shy shadow hunter loved him trusted him – heck Alec kissed him in front of entire Clave. Even when he knew that he might face serious trouble later – he still kissed him. Magnus knew Alec trusted him he knew that Alec gave him his heart and life – and all Magnus did? Is dump him in subway tunnel. Without letting himself explain. And shouting at Alec that he didn't trust him and probably didn't even love him. How stupid he was. To do this. And what it brought... It brought death to person Magnus loved most in his 800 hundred years and something life.

He knew how Clave treated Alec. Like Alec had said once when they were in truck. That it was like million little paper cuts every single day. But still Alec chose to stay by his side – even when nobody in council listened to him like Alec had said. He still stayed with him. Even when he knew that Magnus was immortal.

Alec once told him "I would wake up one day and realize that I was going somewhere you couldn't follow. That we are essentially not the same. There's no "till death do us apart" for those who never die." (_A/N taken from City of Fallen __Angels Cassandra__ Clare__)_ but Magnus had laughed it off and told him to relax he had said to Alec that they still have years and years to be together.

Magnus had not noticed how panicked and sad his little shadow hunter was about it. He just never looked – or pretended that he didn't know what was bugging Alec. He never noticed how much self conscious Alec was when they were around some other downworlders. Magnus knew that Alec was only scared that he would find someone nicer thank him and someone immortal.. Not mortal like him. Magnus knew now.

How he tried to hind himself in his loved two sizes to big hoods. And Magnus would snap at him or tell him to stop being silly and stop pretending like they were not a couple. How Magnus felt sorry for saying those words to his love now. But it was to late. It was to fucking late.

His love – his life – his friend – his soul mate was gone. All because of his own damn fault. He wanted to die – die and by with his love again, but he knew... Magnus knew... It would never be possible even in the death – after life would tear them apart. Magnus was never going to place where his Alec was. He was downworlder and Alec was Nephilim. His angel with baby blue eyes and adorable blush – he was somewhere Magnus would never be able to go. He liked to tease Alec about – his sweet blush. And would sometimes count how many times his little shadow hunter would blush.

_So far away, it hurts to say_  
_So sad and yet so true_  
_Can't find a way, that I may_  
_Stay closer now to you_

Magnus felt tears running down his cheeks. He wiped them away with a sleeve of a black hoodie. Yes... Alec's hoodie. Magnus was sitting on coach for god knows how long – he didn't move nor answered any calls or door. He was broken beyond repair he needed his loves arms around him he needed to feel his loves warmth he needed his loves lips against his.

He needed Alec.

He needed him more than he needed anything in his life. Long life. He felt even more broken now. He felt like everything what happened bad to him in his past was crushing him down. Making him scream in pain and rage. He remembered everything he did wrong. He remembered how sometimes mean and arrogant he was to Alec.

But how Alec always kept by his side. Always told Magnus that he loves Magnus just the way he is. That he thought Magnus was best thing in his life – that he was so happy to have met him. How much he loved him. And how happy he was to be with him. And all Magnus did is leave him alone.

Broken.

Leaving him to die.

He should have known that Alec only considered talking with Camille because he "Magnificent" Magnus Bane always kept him pushing away when all he wanted to know was a little bit about his past – at least a little. Alec told him everything – every single detail and event about his life. He opened up to Magnus more than he did all in his life. He trusted him. And all Magnus did was push him away with telling him It doest matter what happened in his past it was past he should not ask about it. And should stop being annoying little brat.

How stupid Magnus was. But again it was to late. He was never going to be with Alec again. It was to late.

Even his cat Chairman Meow knew something was wrong. Little stupid cat was scratching apartments door all night. And meowing his head off. In the end Magnus got frustrated and shouted at cat. Yes a cat. He shouted how it was all his fault and how Alec was never going back. In the end Meow ran away from him and hid somewhere. Magnus was not even mad at cat like he might be before. He wished he could run away from himself and hide somewhere.

Magnus hugged himself – he still could feel his loves scent on clothes he was wearing that was all that was left to him. His memories painful memories and Alec's scent on clothes. But he knew it would fade away. He would be alone again. This time because of his stupidity.

Lilith!

How angry Magnus was at himself.

He was 800 and something years old he should have more brain and more experience and patience! In a name of Lilith! Once again Magnus felt tears running down his cheeks , but he was to tired to do anything about it. He was just to tired... To live.. To breathe... To do anything. So he sat there and stared at door knowing that it was never going to be opened by his love again...

_A while ago we shared this space_  
_You were here with me_  
_Now you're in a separate place_  
_Far from where you should be_

Magnus dreamed about Alec and his holiday. He dreamed moments. Happy moments.

Like how they kissed under night sky and Eiffel tower was behind them. How happy and madly in love they were back then. How both of them spent time together enjoying each others company and kisses. How they held hands and walked down streets of Paris. How Alec was happy to be with him how his love never paid attention when people were giving them looks while they walked past them holding hands. How Alec was happy – how he smiled – how he laughed. How they danced under stars in park.

Because Magnus thought it was good idea and moon was so clear that it was perfect for dance. How Alec agreed even when it was cold outside and he hated cold – still he agreed. How in the end they both were lying down on grass. How they were kissing and next moment he was on top of Alec. How they both blushed at closeness. How they both were flushed – how they kissed. How Alec's hands were on his back under his shirt. How warm Alec's hands were while touching his back and whispering his name all over again like mantra. How he bit sensitive spot at Alec's neck and boy beneath him shivered and moaned his name.

How happy Magnus felt that moment knowing how much Alec loved him. How much he trusted him because he gave Magnus everything he had. He gave himself to Magnus. Magnus dreamed how Alec's hands were in his hair how he pulled them slightly and made him moan deep in his throat while kissing his love. How they both pulled away and giggled – yes giggled.

How without words they both knew what they wanted. How Magnus teleported both of them to hotel while holding his love and kissing – biting – sucking his neck. And Alec's small whimpers and moans of pleasure. How they both ended up on bed – how their clothes went off. How they threw them away without looking where they landed. While still kissing and not breaking moment. How their moans and signs echoed around room. How Alec's skin almost glowed in moonlight that got in room through window. Magnus remembered how beautiful Alec looked like.

Like angel.

With sharp features and at same time soft. How his eyes were like two clear pools of sky.

How he could loose himself in them. And forget about everything – about how people called him freak and turned away from him when they realised who he was. How they were scared of his eyes. Cat eyes. How Alec told him he loved his eyes. And he knew it was not lies Alec would tell him this with so much emotion that Magnus would just know it was true.

How he would feel like he was going to faint or how shaky his knees were. How happy he felt. How alive in his long life. How much loved he felt. He could never be happier that he was then.

His angel was here with him.

Here telling him how much he loved him. Hold him. How Magnus could feel his loves slow heartbeat against his chest how it made him relax. How Magnus thought it was only one sound he could fall asleep while smiling and knowing that everything was going to be fine.

is little shadow hunter would be here with him next morning lying beside him their hands joined together. Their legs tangled. Alec would smile and after moment blush. Then Magnus would kiss his love and they would both end up falling back on bed and just enjoying moment where they could be just like this holding each other and feeling safe and happy. Then Chairman Meow would let himself in room – that cat really had some magic. Magnus would think. And would roll his eyes.

The Meow would jump on bed and get conformable between his to masters while purring like mad since Alec would scratch Meows head. And they both would end up laughing.

Magnus loved everything about his little shadow hunter from his terrible fashion sense to his adorable blush. Alec was his life – his present – his future – his love – his real love. His true love. His soul mate.

_I wish I may, I wish I might_  
_But you will not be here tonight_  
_No matter how I wish or pray_  
_You will still be far away_

Magnus woke up from his dream. And he felt like everything was fine for a moment. Before his vision finally came focused. And he saw dark and cold apartment he no longer felt happy in. Even when it was just like him all glittery and bright colour. But Magnus was not even near being like before everything was cold and dark to him everything was cold empty and... lonely.

Once again Magnus felt his vision going blurry and salty tears ran down his tanned cheeks. His love. His life. His angel. Was going. He was somewhere Magnus never could go. He was gone. All because of him.

_I cry alone, I miss your touch_  
_I didn't know I could hurt this much_  
_I wish you could come back to me_  
_Back where you're supposed to be_

Magnus did not know how long he spent just sitting like it. Hugging himself trying to get all scent of his love in him. He knew probably that he had once or twice dozed off and fallen in terrible and at same time beautiful dream where his Alec is with him.

Where they are both happy and smiling. Where everything is fine and the way it was meant to be. But now when he slowly opened his eyes he noticed sunshine. So it was day...

Another day where he was more far away from his love. One more day of knowing it was all his fault. Magnus didn't know it could hurt so much it felt like his heart was ripped away and cut in small pieces then hot oil was poured on it. He felt like his veins were filled with fire he felt like burning and screaming at same time he felt cold he was shaking inside and outside he felt like ice was slowing eating everything inside him while his heart was burning. Like every single heart beat brought more pain more sadness more and more pain...

Magnus never would have thought it would hurt this much.

He never had felt like this. Yes he had lovers in past and yes they went away or died sometimes. He have felt sad for a while, but it was never like this. It was worse even than being almost drowned by his own father it was worse than find his mother in barn with rope around her neck. It was like everything inside him was being shattered into million pieces.

And those million pieces were shattered into more smaller pieces. All Magnus wanted is Alec he wished he didn't tell those words to his love. He wished he was more vice. He wished he had listened. He wished he was better to Alec.

He wished he was more paying attention about what was going on inside his loves heart. He wished Alec could come back. He wished over and over again that he had listened to his love and not left with words "I don't want to see you again. I am no longer going to be your little warlock pet. I still love you but it wont change anything. Get your things from apartment. And leave key. I don want to see you again." Magnus wished for everything to be back before it. Back where Alec was supposed to be with Magnus by his side. How much Magnus wanted it. But he knew it was to late. And all of it was his fault.

_Distance deepens sorrow's woe_  
_Depths of pain that I now know_  
_All I could feel was pain_  
_All I did was cry and call your name_

Days went by. Magnus kept wearing his loves clothes. He kept wishing for things to be back the way they were meant to be. He wished – every single day.

Every single day – every single breath he took was bringing more pain. At least everyone left him alone. That's all he wanted. He wanted to be left alone with his pain and sorrow.

He wanted to be left alone...alone. He knew he will always going to be this way. Nobody is going to fill space inside his chest – empty hole where heart was meant to be. All he wanted to was to end himself and die and be where his angel was.

But he knew he was never going to be with his love – his Alec again. It was slowly killing him inside eating everything. Everything was fading away. Magnus was slowly becoming shell – a zombie just functioning. Not living. He felt like he had died together with hi Alec. He felt like his heart went away with his sweet boy.

A boy he killed.

A boy he didn't listen.

A boy he broke beyond repair.

A boy he left alone.

A boy he loved.. and destroyed.

In a way Magnus enjoyed all this sorrow – he was worth it for doing this to his love.

He was worth all the pain he could get. Even when it was wearing him apart. Eating him away. Killing him inside.

And he knew in the end this distance between him and his love is going to get longer and longer with time, but he wanted sorrow – all sorrow it brought him. Because in the end it let him be a little bit near his love in a way.

Closer to his angel.

In his long life Magnus never knew depths of pain.

He had thought that he had faced all the pain in his long life and there was nothing left to hurt him more. But this feeling – inside him this sorrow – this pain was worse than anything in his life. It was like death itself choose Magnus to be his shell where it could live. Every single breath brought more pain – every single heart beat brought pain – every single step he took brought pain.

All he saw pain. He didn't care how he looked he didn't care that he was not like Magnus Bane everyone knew. He wore his dead loves clothes that was all left to him from his love.

Painful and beautiful memories and nightmares that Magnus at same time never wanted to wake from.

Painful and beautiful nightmares.

All he wanted was to sleep and be with his angel in dreams even when it was only past.

Magnus would wake up crying and screaming Alec's name into night. But in the end it never changed anything. All he knew was that everything was his fault. His love was gone because of his own fucking fault. All Magnus could do is whisper -scream – cry out his loves his Alec's his angels name. And face more pain and sorrow. And be closer to his dead love in a way.

It was weird that all this pain and sorrow brought him closer to his dead love.

Magnus knew that probably he was going mad, but he did not care – at least he could be closer to his love in a way...

_I wish I could do more than hear_  
_To hold you by a candle's glow_  
_And whisper right into your ear_

Magnus was thinking he was going insane. He could imagine hearing Alec's voice. But he knew he was not there he knew Alec was gone.

Because of his fault.

He wished he could do more than just hear his loves voice in his dreams in his head. He wanted to hold Alec close by candle's glow he wanted to feel his loves skin against him.

He wanted to feel his lips against his own. He wanted more than anything to be able to ask Alec for forgiveness even when he knew that Alec would never be mad – even when he left him.

Magnus knew that Alec was never going to be mad on him – he saw in his love eyes he saw everything he needed to know... He saw how deeply boy loved him but all he did was leave him in dark.

To face his death.

But still Magnus wanted to tell Alec how stupid and sorry he was for leaving him in dark tunnel. How he wanted to be with his angel again. Lilith, why did it hurt so much? Why did I do this mistake? Why...?What if...What if... All he could think was "If – What if" what if he listened to Alec what if he stayed. Not leaving him. Could his angel still be with him? What if...? This question was eating Magnus alive. Leaving him even more hollow and empty.

How much he wanted to feel Alec. How much he wanted to hold him and whisper in his ear how much he loved him.

But it was to late. All because of him.

_So I watch the starry sky above_  
_And think of how we used to be_  
_Store up passion, strength, and love_  
_So I will fight till you come back to me._  
_Back where you're supposed to be_

Magnus went from glittery bomb to hollow person. In a way he was like Alec. Not because he kept wearing his loves clothes. That still held scent of his love even when it was slowly fading away. In a way Magnus wanted to hide – and be left alone. In a way he felt closer to Alec. In a way he felt closer to his dead love. Everyone noticed it. But everyone pretended it was nothing that High Warlock of Brooklyn was wearing different clothes that his boyfriend wore. Everyone pretended it was OK.

Everyone left him alone. In a way even more he felt closer to his love. He knew Alec was ignored and left alone before he met him. And in a way he felt closer to his love. In a way. Even when distance was growing wider. Alec was where he Magnus never could go. Magnus kept thinking how they were used to be. Together. As one. Soul mates. And he was sick of how pathetic he was being. Because he knew if Alec was in his place he would never give up just and fade away like he was. Alec would look for a way to bring him back.

Alec would fight back cruel destiny.

Magnus made decision he was not going to give up. He kept remembering his love and he kept storing all his love – passion – strength he needed to bring his love back. He knew he could never do it alone. No matter how strong he was – he was to weak to do it. But he heard about how a long long time ago someone brought a person from dead. He was going to do it.

For now Magnus was going to face his fate with his head up even when everything inside him was falling apart. He didn't care about the fact that he might die while he was going to do. What he needed to do was bring Alec his angel back. He would never give up. If he did he would die. And he could not die without trying. He needed Alec.

He needed to be able to hold him again and beg for forgiveness and be able to tell him how much he loved him. He was not going to give up. Magnus was going to fight even if it meant setting everything on fire – breaking every single rule in both Shadow hunters life – Mundanes life and Downworlders life. He was going to break all rules. He was going get his soul mate back even when it might mean him dying while trying it was worth. Life without Alec was not life. Better death than this. He was going to fight with everything he has left to get his Alec back. He Magnus Bane High Warlock of Brooklyn was going to fight till he and Alec are back the way they were supposed to be.

Feeling more stronger than in days Magnus stood up and faced his fate. He was going to see Seelie Queen, but at first he was going to face something he was planning to run away before.

He was going to face Alexander's Gideon Lightwood`s funeral.


	2. Jaces POV (Monster Inside)

**I tried my best to write what might Jace feel when parabatai bond was shattered and destroyed. So yea.. meh -=-  
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**Enjoy~  
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**T**oday is the day when I will say good bye to my best friend. My parabatai. My brother. My partner.

Today is the day when I will say good bye to half of my soul. Today is the day where I am going to by buried with my parabatai. Today is the day where I will rest with my brother Alec.

Even when I am still alive – still breathing – still functioning. I feel like I am dead. I feel empty. I feel hollow. I feel also... hatred... lava melting hatred. I feel it in my blood. I feel it turning my heart into stone. I want to lash out to scream – punch – kick. Kill. I want to kill. I want to make people feel pain I felt when bond was ripped apart when my parabatai bond was shattered into million pieces. I want to make people feel this burning inside of me. This shattering. This pain. This sorrow.

I want someone to feel pain I feel I want someone to feel the way I feel.

I want feel blood running down my bare hands.

I want to kill.

It scares me a lot. What I feel.

When I felt that bond between me and Alec was wrong – when I felt like something was wrong. I jolted out of bed all dripping in cold sweat and shaking. I just knew something was wrong really wrong. It was even worst than being bonded to Sebastian. Even then I felt like there was someone else I should worry about I felt like something was missing, but deep down I knew that whoever was missing was fine. I just knew.

But this time... That terrible night I knew something was deep wrong. Clary half asleep probably noticed my waking up all of sudden asked me what was wrong. At that moment I didn't even hear her properly. All I could think was.

Where is Alec?

Is he fine?

Where is Alec? Where is Alec? All over and over again.

But what I felt was different I had this creepy feeling inside. That made me run grab my stele. Not even caring if anyone saw me dashing out of institute like Satan itself was on my heels. I didn't care that I looked really weird and un-Jace-cool that I was without a shirt only wearing pants and no shoes. I knew something was wrong. I had to find Alec. I had to make sure he was fine. I didn't hear Izzy nor Clary screaming my name and asking where I was going – was something wrong. I kept running.

I almost knocked out some stupid mundane s while running. Yes, I didn't even make myself glamour. That's how much I was scared. And panicking. Even when I tried to calm down and think straight I knew something was wrong deep wrong. This feeling was nagging me. All I could think was Alec. I was scared shitless. All I could think what could possibly be wrong. Why do I feel like this. Where is Alec.

Again and again and again.

This thought kept circling around my brain. Making my feel dizzy.

I didn't even know where I was running until I noticed that I was at the front door of Magnus Banes apartment. Well sure if Alec is not at institute he is here. I tried to calm myself down before Magnus opened door – because no way I was letting him see my like this. Even when I tried to I could not shake this feeling – feeling that something was wrong. It was creeping my out. After buzzing stupid ring and getting no answer I was ready to kick damn door in. If Alec was doing this on purpose I am going I swear to Angel kick his ass. Badly. Just before I was getting ready to get myself in apartment door swung open. I thought it was weird... No Magnus booming voice through speakers asking who the hell is disturbing or who the hell is disturbing his beauty sleep with Alec.

My eyes adjusted with dark entrance to apartment and I almost fell on my ass when I saw state that Magnus was in. No glitter. And I mean this dude walks like he has rolled in glitter. His hair hung down no spikes that I thought I could poke to blood if I touched them. No rainbow dash clothes. Something was terrible wrong. Feeling. This feeling was starting to make my panic and shake. All I could get out of my mouth was "Alec.."?

Sine I was shaking this badly my teeth's were even trembling. What I heard made me even confused was Magnus "Your little stupid brother and I broke up and he still has not collected his stuff from my fucking apartment. So what do you want? I am not in mood for talk with anyone. If you need warlock ask Alec I told him good warlocks name and telephone. Now leave me alone before I turn you into rat." All I could do was gab with my mouth probably wide open – till I understood finally what he had said to me.

And in next moment my fist was at his face. I did not care – I did not even think. I punched him. He was the one that made my brother sad? He was the one that had hurt him? Who he thinks he fucking is? How fucking dares he? All I could think then was that I wanted to fucking kill him. Make him pay for what I was feeling...

But next words out of his mouth made me dizzy with worry and this nausea feeling that something was terribly wrong.

"Jace, what the fuck? What s wrong? Is Alec fine? Why are you only wearing pants? Jace what is going on? JACE. WHAT. IS. WRONG?!"

Those words made my tremble so badly I felt myself falling down on ground and tears almost spilling out of my eyes. Instantly I knew that it was not something Magnus did. About break up. I saw that he still loved my brother. Even when sometimes I wondered if Alec was only boy toy to him. In other words all this relationship was just to weird to him. But he was happy as long as his brother was happy. But now saying warlock widely panicking and seeing fear in his eyes made Jace doubled over on ground and almost threw up.

Something was terribly wrong.

He started to see black dots across his eyes and felt like fainting or throwing up at the same time.

Whatever had caused his parabatai and warlock to break up was not something causing him feel this way.

Jace tried to stand up and while he supported himself with door handle. He managed to. He heard Magnus telling him something but all he could see was warlocks lips moving. No words came out. Jace felt like someone had ripped something out of him. Instantly he grabbed his parabatai rune. And it felt hot under his skin. Like it was being burning. He was to scared to look at it.

He was scared to find his parabatai rune red.

Red. Meant... his parabatai was dead or on edge of death.

With every second Jace grew even more and more scared.

Finally he heard warlock gasp and looked up to him. He saw Magnus was shaking and tears were running down his make up free cheeks. Finally he heard himself say:

"M-Magnus I think A-Alec i-i-s de-ad"

It felt like it was not him Jace talking. It felt like someone else was using his mouth. His voice. To tell this terrible sentence. Jace felt like he was being sucked in some black hole where is no hope. No light. Just nothing. He felt numb. He felt like something has ripped his soul to shreds and thrown around. While some pieces came back – others never. Other pieces were left all around.

Fading away.

He saw Magnus turn around and disappear to apartment. But he was to scared to move or even to think straight. He felt like he was having panic attack. After couple seconds or hours or minutes it felt all the same to Jace – Magnus returned while holding something. His vision was to blurry to see anything clearly. He saw Magnus shaking his head and grabbing his hand while murmuring something in weird language. Jace would have probably punched or said some sick joke in other times if Magnus was grabbing his hand, but now he was to scared to do anything. He was to scared and to numb. To feel himself being sucked into portal and then feeling like being dropped from second store houses roof. Next 10 minutes felt like dream. He just kept moving his legs and running while he felt like something was drifting away from him.

But then they ran down some stairs and were in tunnel. Jace would have thought it was really weird and would make another comment about running with glittery – free warlock down some dark creepy tunnel while being particularly half naked. But his mind was going over drive and he was scared. First time well second time in his life Jace was scared. First time he was scared when Alec got attacked my greater demon. When he was lying on ground and not moving. When he looked like he was already dead – if not slow fall of chest.

Jace`s mind kept repeating these images in his head. Over and over again. Jace wanted to shout to his mind to shut a fuck up.

But he could not.

Probably if he even opened his mouth to say something nothing would come out. He felt tears running down his cheeks. He didn't care. He heard Magnus say something but he didn't hear.

Jace blinked couple times and saw Clary looking at him with worried expression on her face. She knew that he was remembering that night. It was not like he could do anything about them. They were always there with him. In his dreams. While he was hunting. Trying to more likely it was only one thing probably that kept him from going insane. He tried to smile, but probably it was more like grimace and Clary hugged him and kept saying comforting words to him. While rubbing relaxing circles on his back. It was like he could not hear her voice.

Jace felt himself being sucked into that terrible night. A night that changed his life forever. A night that wake a monster in him he thought he never had. And never believed in.

After couple minutes of running Magnus suddenly stopped which made Jace run into his back and almost knock them both over. Jace walked in front and saw what made Magnus stop in his track. He saw what changed him forever.

Five feet away was a body.

Not moving body.

With pale skin. Raven black hair. And blood... There was so much blood. It made Jace throw up. After gagging everything that was in his stomach he lifted his head. Everything was in slow motion it felt that world had slowed down. All he could see unmoving body. And blood all around it.

He felt like someone punched all air out of his chest. He was gasping – while moving towards his broken parabatai body. He tried to keep repeating himself that this is someone else not his friend not his brother not his parabatai. He kept trying to make himself believe that his parabatai was safe and sleeping in Magnus apartment or institute.

Jace kept himself saying that this was only a nightmare a terrible nightmare, but with burning feeling in his hand he knew it was not a dream. It was to real to freaky to be dream.

But when he fell down on his knees where body lies he knew it was Alec.

Tears were making his vision blurry. Jace gently lifted his broken brothers head to his lap while brushing away some raven hair from Alec's forehead. Bloody forehead. Jace suddenly almost fell over when he saw his parabatai eyes slightly open and blue orbs were staring at him.

Jace never felt like this... He never felt so scared and lost he wanted Alec to hug him tell him it was only a sick joke. Then he would friendly kick Alec and they would both laugh about it. But again he knew this was not a dream as blood slowly spreading across his pants.

His fingers still brushing a fallen shadow hunters hair were stained in red. Jace wondered for a second if he was ever going to feel like his hands were not stained in blood again. He thought for a second to use stele and draw iritze rune on Alec, but he knew it would not work.

It was to late.

Unseeing blue orbs stared at his face. And Jace felt Magnus holding his brothers other hand trying to put his spirit back, but it was to late.

Alec was gone.

He was where Jace would join when time for him would come. Jace still kept brushing Alec's hair while trying to work out what exactly just happened everything felt like it was in slow motion. Like he was living in nightmare where everything slows down and drags you deeper and deeper to hell and darkness. Where is no light or hope.

Images were flying around his mind of him and Alec of their first hunt. Of how they met. How they became parabatai. How they messed about. How Alec always listened to him how he always found time for him. How he never judged him. How he called him brother from first day he got moved to live with Lightwoods. How he was the first one to accept him. How he always understood him even when he was being selfish and stupid. How he always protected him.

Jace felt how everything was crashing down around him. Tearing him apart. Leaving him hollow. Leaving him empty. All he could think was how he was all Clary past days never noticed how differently Alec acted. He never noticed his parabatais pain. He was to happy in his fucking world. When he found out that Clary was not his sister all he could think about was her.

Jace felt sick. He felt ashamed. He felt like it was his fault. And he felt something snap inside him.

He felt...

He looked over to Magnus. At that moment he wanted to kill warlock but he saw pain he saw tears he saw just how broken warlock was. Jace saw himself in warlock. He understood. He understood Magnus. Like never before. He saw that Magnus did same mistake as he did. They were both to happy in their own worlds to notice that something was wrong with Alec.

All hate towards warlock vanished. As fast as it came.

He gently closed his parabatais eyes. And kissed already cold forehead. Jace didn't even need to check his parabatai rune. He knew it was red.

Alexander.

His other half died along with him. Jace felt all numb and empty.

But he noticed two punctual wounds on Alec's neck. Vampire bite.

Terrible feeling – crashing everything inside him feeling. Filled his mind – made his heart beat faster. Made his tears to dry and replace with fury. Made his broken sobs into rage filled scream. Jace felt himself being filled with hate with anger and furry towards creatures that did this to his parabatai – his brother – his best friend.

Jace Lightwoods monster awake in him.

Making him see red. He gently laid down Alec's body to ground without looking back and stood up. He didn't look back. He didn't see how broken Magnus was he didn't want to. He didn't want to break down. He wanted this hatred – rage to fill him all making his mind dull. Making him numb. He crawled this feeling. He needed it.

Because Jace knew – he was going to kill everything that got in his way. He was going to kill till monsters that killed his other self pay. He was going to raise hell if he needs to. He was going to make them pay. He felt his heart being filled with furry. He felt himself start running – he didn't hear Magnus shouting his name. He ran into night.

Jace blinked couple times and noticed that Clary was still hugging him.

Still rubbing his back. But Jace knew he could not break. Until everyone who made Alec suffer pays the price. Until then he was going to lock his feelings down. He looked at Clary and he knew that she understood. Even when she didn't know Alec like he did. And she never was going to know. Jace realised that Clary really respected his brother and found his company enjoyable. Even when they did not get along at first she met him. Jace looked at Clary again. And she nodded like she knew what he was thinking maybe she really did. It was time to raise hell.

But at first it is time to attend his own and his parabatai funeral.


	3. Izzys POV (I cant let you go)

Today is day where I will bury my brother.

Today is day where I am going to be left alone as real Lightwood child.

I still have Jace he is like brother to me and I can call him brother, but... well he is not Alec...– Clary – Simon and Magnus in a way. If he shows up. Because after that terrible night that changed my point of view about world forever he locked himself in apartment didn't answer phone or door.

Just like me. I know how I look outside how we all look outside to others. Wearing black while we should wear white. White is colour of death – but not even one of us can face the fact that Alec...Is gone...Forever... And... I should blame Magnus I know I should, but what could it do? What good could come out of this? Nothing. My brother is gone. My listener – my should to cry on is gone.

But I feel empty – hollow. And angry. I feel like I am standing on thin ice that could break any moment and I would fall down into darkness with no way out. It is even worse than Max's death.

I loved my little brother, but probably not as much as I did love Alec. I mean... Alec was always one taking blame – always one taking care of us. Always the one that we could look up to. He was the one that would hold together no matter what. He was like ground under my feet. Without him I am falling down. Slowly falling down towards abyss. Now I feel like I am going to snap and go mental. Maybe start laughing like mad – maybe.. maybe break down and scream. I don't know.

And it scares me not knowing what will happen next.

I am worried about Magnus even after everything I saw him and I saw myself in him in a sort of way. We both were happy with world to notice that something was wrong with Alec. I know we should have... I feel so fucking frustrated with myself now.

Why I didn't saw?

Why I didn't notice?

What if I did? What if? Would Alec still be here among us now?

This what it is killing my inside.

Eating my alive. But also I am fucking angry with people – how they all pretend they knew Alec how all Clave pretend that they fucking care. They did not even give a shit about Alec. How they treated him. Never listened to him. And now they fucking care?! Now they fucking do? When it is fucking to late? I hate my mother and father I hate them I feel anger towards them that I didn't think I had.

They didn't even consider showing up. To their fucking sons funeral! How could my family be so fucked. Now I stand with people I can call family – we are all to angry to agree with Alec being gone. We all wear black. We all are in gears. We all are going to fight. We all are going to break everything set everything on fire and ice. Let hell break free.

Me. Simon even when he did not know Alec at all mostly he is here standing with me holding my hand. He looks like angel of death if not fangs. He is showing them. It means he is angry – angry like me with everything and how everyone is suddenly pretending how they fucking care. In his black jeans. Black leather jacket. And kick ass new rock boots. He looks like someone you would never mess with.

I am holding my golden whip in my other hand. I feel like swinging it and snapping some necks of people that pretend they fucking care all of sudden. I can see Clary with her red hair she looks like fire. And she is also in her gear. With runes all over. I can see pain in her eyes. She really did like Alec I know now. She told me once before that she thought it was cool to have friend as Alec. I can see it now I can see pain and hatred in her eyes making them shine – she is carrying hatred like us. She is to angry to let realisation sink that Alec is gone. I am even scared myself to look at Jace. He looks like death – like death god. With his golden eyes and hair he should look like angel of hope of something. But it feels like hatred and anger is pulsing out of him.

You can feel it. When you go near him. I know he feels pain... Probably more than any of us. But I can see furry in his eyes. I am worried... also. If he breaks I am sure we will all break. In a way he is that thin ice I am standing on. He is one holding us all together. We all have seraph blades with us and Simon has bow.

I noticed that it is my brother bow.

I can feel my eyes getting watery and I take in deep breath. Simon notices it and squeezes my hand, I squeeze back. He looks at my and smiles even when it doesn't reach his eyes. I am sure none of us are going to have real smiles any time soon.

look around, but I cant see Magnus I want him here. Sort of. I want to make him realise that we all are still there for him. Heck... even Jace asked me if Magnus was coming. He wanted him to come.

In a way we are one strange fucked up family that is about to rise hell on earth to people who did this to Alec. To people who are pretending that they fucking care. I can feel my eyes getting watery again so I close them and remember night.

A night that changed my forever.

When I woke up hearing loud crash and someone running. I was in mood to kill Jace. I knew it was him who else could walk like elephant in middle of freaking night. While I was having my beauty sleep. Yea. I know I just sounded like Magnus. But really girl needs her beauty sleep. Oh well... I walked down my room and opened door ready to use my whip and knock some sense into blonde jock.

But when I saw him. Everything went crashing down. My whip fell out of my hand and with soft "thumb" fell down on wooden floor. Something was terribly wrong with Jace. His eyes were scared – he kept looking around as if looking for someone. For a moment I thought Sebastian got him somehow since he was missing. But then I heard Jace mumble "Where is he...Alec...Where are you...Where is Alec" it might looked a bit weird. I mean half naked Jace chanting my brothers name. But I knew something was wrong. I tried to call him ask him what's wrong and where he was running to while Clary joined my on steps. But it was to late Jace didn't even turn around. He stormed out of institute door like Satan itself was on his heels.

Panic was slowly over taking me. But I tried to calm myself down and kept repeating myself everything was fine. I looked over at Clary and she had same expression as I had probably. She looked confused and panicked. I fast ran to my room and called Magnus since if Jace kept repeating Alec's name maybe something was wrong with her brother. She was to scared even to think this way. But Magnus never answered phone. No matter how many times she called. Izzy felt herself start to panic and took deep breaths.

Something was wrong she just knew she could feel it in her hearth. She felt like something was squeezing it. It was painful. She didn't notice that she was on floor till Clary ran to her room and shouted her name while holding phone to her ear and speaking fast. Izzy was to dizzy to hear words Clary was saying it was like everything went mute – all she could think that was something bad. Really bad have happened. It was like all over again. With Max. She tried to brush this feeling off. But it clung to her life disease. She couldn't do it – Izzy knew she should stand up and run after Jace, but her body felt like it was not belonging to her.

She couldn't move. She could feel Clary standing up and leaving room – but it was as if her voice was gone she could not get words out. Only tears were running down her pale cheeks.

It felt like eternity when she felt cold arms around her waist pulling her into hug. She buried her face in cold chest and sobbed. Even when she wanted to stop she could not. It was like she was not in control with her own body once again. After what it felt like hours. Izzy stopped sobbing and returned hug. She looked up and saw worried expression on Simon's face. Handsome face. It made Izzy almost giggle almost. Instead she saw him bending down his head and capturing her lips in sweet kiss. She kissed back. But she could not shake feeling that something was wrong. Izzy looked into Simon's eyes and it seemed like he understood. Just nodded her. And took her hand while walking out a room.

Clary was waiting outside room with a small smile on her face. But Izzy could see that red headed friend was worried since she kept chewing her lower lip. Which reminded Izzy of her brother.

Instant cold wave washed her over leaving her trembling. Izzy felt this feeling that something was terrible wrong taking her mind. She saw Simon and Clary nodding. Then in next second Simon was gone. But back in couple minutes – hours – seconds? Izzy was to scared to notice how long he was gone.

Simon said something to Clary and Clary started to tremble. Her cheeks were stained with tears. She was shaking her head violently. Simon also looked on verge of crying his bloody vampire tears. She heard him say word "Alec..Sorry.. Clary...I don't know...Izzy" Izzy lifted her head and said something she would half regret later. "I want to see my brother. Where is my brother? I want to see Alec" Both of her friends and well sort of boyfriend nodded and Clary opened portal. Izzy saw only darkness. But she was to scared to think how Clary would know that place. She walked over.

And almost fell over.

She saw Magnus at first fallen on knees in front of someone. When she saw who it was she almost fainted. Izzy felt scream leave her mouth as she ran over figure lying in puddle of blood. His own blood. It was her brother.. It was Alec.. Her brother... her big brother...her shoulder she could cry on... person she could rely on. He was lying there all broken – and pale like fallen angel. It gave creepy contrast even when some weird part of her brain found it fascinating the way his skin – white skin looked with dark red blood.

But it was only small part of her brain. Izzy felt herself falling to knees and cradling her brothers head in her lap. While tears were flooding down her cheeks. Making her see blurry.

Her brother Alec was dead. Gone. Forever. Gone!

Like Max. All over again. She felt like her heart was ripped away. She screamed into night. Cold night. Which made Magnus flinch he was still holding Alec's hand. While tears were running down his cheeks. Izzy felt arms around her once again pulling her away from her brother she wanted to push those arms away she wanted to go with her brother she was so broken inside. She felt like everything was being drowned into sorrow into pain and fear. She wanted to by with her big brother. She wanted him to hold her like he always when they were young and she had nightmares – because she felt like she was in nightmare now she wanted Alec to tell her that everything was going to be fine.

But someone was taking her away from her brother. She tried to kick but it was like child trying to kick grown up. She was being carried away... And then everything went black.

Izzy blinked couple times remembering how Simon told her that he took her away. How she fainted. He told her everything that had happened how nobody could find Jace and when he came back to institute he was all covered in blood witch made Clary almost have panic attack. How later he shut himself to Alec's room and told everyone to leave him alone.

How Clave came how they took Alec's body away.

How Magnus left. And nobody could reach him.

How Jace said he was with Magnus. Later. How they were hunting vampires all night. How Magnus after left more broken than before. How Magnus asked Jace to kill him.

But what made Izzy feel hatred towards Clave and her parents. Was how they treated like they fucking care. How when she woke up almost after week they said because of shock she had well and went down stairs it was full with people from circle how they all pretended to fucking care.

When they were the ones who made fun of Alec – never listened to him. Izzy heard someone saying that her parents could not come – they were to busy with their duties. Izzy remembered how it made her see red with all furry she felt. How Jace came down with murderous look at told everyone to get a fuck out of their house. How he shouted at everyone how he punched some other shadow hunters.

How even Clary snapped when everyone started to blame Magnus. How Simon had to hold her down before she started to land punches herself. How in the end everyone still made Magnus look like one who killed Alec. When vampire who did that were still there out waiting for next person to kill.

They still fucking blamed someone who always helped them. Izzy realised how much hatred she had towards them. In the end they all left saying it was Alec's funeral in couple hours. How they all flinched then. How Izzy sent fire message to Magnus because he never answered his phone. And Simon said whenever he went there warlock never answered door and all apartment was in dark. Izzy remembered how they all went to their rooms how Simon said he will be back in 5mins he had to change. How they all emerged from room with our hunting sets and weapons without words how Simon came wearing similar clothes. How they all had so much hate inside of them to fucking realize that Alec was truly gone.

I blinked couple times and opened my eyes. I felt hollow inside and I felt angry. Deadly angry. I was still holding Simon's hand in mine. We looked at each other and we both knew what both of us were thinking. He slightly nodded. This was funeral. But it was not funeral for Alec. He was still here with us even when we could not see him – it was feeling. Feeling that he was with us.

We were going to make people who hurt one we all loved to play then we will die or we will let feeling being unlocked and let grief and pain take us away. But now we were standing still like black fallen angels in sea of white. And we were ready to fight.

I turned around and I saw Magnus. When I saw him I knew we were not going to break.

We were in a way one weird family now. We lost one we loved. We found something we never had. We found monsters inside of us. They were ready to leash out and destroy.

We were ready to destroy the world.

And Magnus like Jace was ground under our feet now.


	4. Magnus POV (Funeral)

I walked down graveyard till I found where I should be. I received probably tons of angry looks towards me. Probably the way I was dressed. All black. And I had Alec's favourite shirt on. One he was always mostly wearing. It was simply black t-shirt (Magnus let himself smile – a small smile Alec and his love to black) but now Magnus was not so mad about his angels sense in fashion. Also he wore black jeans – a bit skinny ones. But not usual tight – tight ones. Then zip up black jumper also one of Alec's. His eyes were lined heavy with black pencil. And then black eye shadow were added. His lips were painted black also.

It was colour of hunting – colour of fighting back. Magnus was not ready to let Alec go he was going to fight back. He was going to get Alec back. Magnus didn't care that probably people would most likely be in mood for killing him the way he was dressed. Magnus just could not himself dress in white – for him Alec was still there out somewhere waiting to be found and brought back again. Brought back home – where he should be.

Magnus wondered if maybe he was insane with his plan. But in the end he didn't care. He was not going Alec go just like this. He needed Alec. And Alec needed him. He tried to believe in it. That Alec still would need him. He needed to feel Alec – he needed... No Magnus shook his head. He was not going to remember how much he needed his angel. He cant break down. Not now. Not till there is hope. Magnus kept walking with his head high.

Even when inside he was all over again falling apart. Because in the end it was funeral. His love was going to be buried in wooden box. But no.. Magnus thought himself he should stop.

He was going to fight. He was going to get Alec back.

When he looked up he saw that he was near. When he looked again he almost fell over. Izzy was looking at him. Not look made him fell. But how they were dressed. Izzy – Jace and Clary were wearing black from head to toe weapons with them. They were wearing their gears. Even Simon was wearing black with his fangs poking out.

They all looked …. scary Magnus had to agree. They were like dark angels in sea of white dressed people. People that never cared about Alec. This made Magnus smirk an angry smirk. He looked like panther probably all wearing black. Hair down – without any glitter. And eyes shinning with anger towards people that were fucking pretending.

He walked over to group without glancing at anyone. And Izzy smiled at him. He stood beside Jace.

It was weird but they both knew what each other was feeling they were not ready to let Alec go. Even when Jace didn't know what Magnus was going to do.

They all stood like dark angels they all were to angry or to broken to let go Magnus thought. As he watched coffin being taken out of car. He felt nothing. He locked his feelings deep down. He was going to get Alec back.

Magnus looked at this little weird group he was with and saw everyone had same expressions they all were not ready to let go.

Magnus closed his eyes. And pretended he was somewhere with his angel.


	5. Funeral (What they all felt)

Fuck You

Jace thought while standing motionless and watching how his parabatai coffin was being carried. With his best friend – brother... everything that made him Jace. Not Jace – the one who would shut everyone out. Who would push everyone away. Who would ignore everyone. Not the Jace that would only find pain and darkness in his life. Alec made him Jace he is. Or at least was. At first Jace found it annoying how Alec always listened to him and never said how stupid his plan was or how stupid himself he was. Alec always made Jace feel like he belonged in institute. Alec made him see world in different colours.

Yes, he was really happy to be with Clary, but she was not the one who made him who he was. Alec from first day tried to involve him whenever he was going or doing – even when Izzy at first found it hard to be with Jace. Alec kept Jace away from going more into the darkness – he was when he first met Lightwoods.

ace wanted to tell Alec to "Fuck You" for leaving him. For making him be happy first time in life – he Jace before everything went down hill – was happy with his life. He had best girlfriend ever. He had awesome sort of sister Izzy. He had best friend – best brother and parabatai Alec. In a way he started to enjoy Simon's company and began to tolerate sparkly warlock. Jace felt like he belonged somewhere – where he wanted to be.

All thanks to Alec – if not him. Jace knew he would not have met Clary or anyone. He would have ended locking himself in. Leaving everyone out – not letting anyone in. Alec gave him hope and he made Jace to believe that world was happy place. And it was taken away from him. When he truly was happy and was hoping for happy future and feeling of happiness and love. It has been taken from him.

He being dragged to that scarred boy he was before. He was dragged to monster he was before. He was becoming a Jace he was before and he hated it. Even when in a way it kept him walking – and … it kept him from breaking apart.

Jace looked at brown dull coffin where his illusion of perfect world was lying. Even when his heart was breaking apart – crashing into million pieces. Even then in a way Jace wanted to shout out "Fuck You" for making him into something he never wanted to be again. Into something that was worst than it was before million times – worse. Even when he wanted it – he knew he still hated it.

Magnus wanted to scream words that scared him. He wanted to scream out loud "Fuck you" over and over again. How Alec made him enjoy life again. How Alec made him feel like he belonged. How Alec made him feel like he was not freak. How Alec made him blush. How Alec made him smile. Smile a true smile. How Alec made him be happy with every single second of his life.

How Alec made him think about future – not lonely future with parties that didn't mean anything to him – with fake smiles. With everything fake. How Alec made him be nervous and excited at the same time whenever he saw him. How Alec made Magnus feel alive for a first time in his long life. How Magnus loved Alec's lips against his own. How much Magnus loved holding Alec and feeling him – how much he loved his little shadow hunter. How much Magnus loved the way Alec always blushed.

How much Alec made Magnus love him and his life in first time in his long – long life. How Alec made Magnus feel like a teenager again instead of old warlock he was. How Alec made Magnus everything he was not before. Caring – loving – blushing – acting like lovestruck teenager. Magnus wanted to shout out "Fuck You" because everything he loved because of Alec was taken away from him – has been ripped from his hands. He wanted to shout out "Fuck you" for making me who I am – and taking it away. "Fuck You" for talking with Camille – for letting him leave him alone in fucking tunnel. For making Magnus feel all this pain – for making him realize how stupid and pathetic he was. For making him realize that it was all his fucking fault. Magnus wanted to shout out those two words. Even when it hurt.

He still loved Alec – he loved him more than anything. And he was so fucking mad for letting it be taken away from him with wide hands.

Izzy was getting frustrated – angry – sad. Everything. Like her mind wanted to go over drive and explode. Or something. She wanted to do something. Before she went insane with all emotions she was facing. She looked up to coffin which now has been rested on ground – before going for final rest. Final... While she knew what inside wooden box was. Izzy wanted to scream and wake up from this nightmare. But... this... this nightmare was part of her life now. She was living in nightmare. Which made her angry. She chanted over and over again in her mind "Fuck you, Alec for making me face this – for not talking with me like before – for making her think everything is fine. For pretending to be fine. For letting himself … for... for letting damn vampire suck his life out of him. For making her feel like it was Max was all over again – just in thousand times stronger emotions. Thousand times worst. She wanted to shout "Fuck you" for leaving her. For making her live in nightmare. But mostly she wanted to shout out those horrible words because she was not ready to let him go even when he was gone forever. Izzy wanted to shout out those words because she knew she was going to break apart when her anger fades away.

But even then 3 people who was going through hell more and breaking apart more than anything felt their minds drifting around words like.

Fuck lies.

Why did Alec lie to them all in a way. Telling them he was fine. Pretending everything was fine. How he went behind Magnus back – how he talked with bitch like Camille. How he lied to everyone with things like "I am fine – Don't worry – Nothing is wrong. When everything was wrong. When Alec was far away from being okey.

Fuck her. Fuck Camille for toying with Alec feelings and making him ever more confused. For telling it all to Magnus.

Fuck tears.

Fuck happiness that have been taken – ripped from them away.

Fuck life. For making it living nightmare now. For making them all to blind to see one they all loved being in pain.

Fuck that.

Fuck them. Them all Clave – parents – Circle for fucking pretending.

Fuck words. That hurt and made them boil in volcanic anger. "Alec is dead" for them all it was to painful to.. soon they were all not ready to let go. Fuck how everyone said words when they were it was only lies and pretending.

Fuck fear. For being being scared to fall apart to realise Alec was gone forever... In Magnus case fear of not being able to make his plan. Come true. Fear of realising he cant have Alec back again. For realising he killed his love – with his words and actions. By leaving him alone.

Fuck feelings. From hate to love and from fear to sadness. Feelings that were making them all see red and boil in sorrow and rage. For making them feel cold and hot – shaky and motionless.

Fuck love.

Fuck alcohol. It didn't help any of them – just made feel worse.

Fuck me.

Fuck betrayal. Feeling like Alec betrayed them by not telling them truth. For talking with Camille.

Fuck apologies. They never said.

Fuck anger.

Fuck opinions. Opinions that made this nightmare to come real.

Fuck hurting.

Fuck pain.


	6. Gideon Gray

Ugh I hate mornings. Should I repeat myself once again since alarm clock so lovely fell on my head. Well more likely knocked my wide awake this time for sure... I hate mornings!

I mean I am like warlock well young one.. just hit my big 18 last week... So my aunt Tessa should give me a break or something. Since I am pretty much.. immortal, right?

But no she has to wake me up around 8 in morning every single day.. God WHY? There is nothing to do anyway... Since I am such a big fan of mundane company. Got sarcasm? Right? I cant stand mundanes, well they cant stand me – I should say I am not like all "Magic throws around in rainbow dash", but still they intend to avoid me – probably because I kind of well look weird?

I mean I am like freaking tall for my er.. human age? Also I have pale skin and I am addicted to tattoos! I have like 10 or so of them? Not like full body ones , but small things. Like stuff I dream sometimes some weird symbols or so... So yea tattoo addict is here! Then there is my eyes … Aunt Tessa said I have beautiful eyes and that nobody not even other warlocks will ever gonna have eyes like me. But I think they are just plain creepy... Well I have one eye like warlocks with cat slip pupil, but other eye is just like humans would be.. Weird right? And they are blue.. More weird, I never heard of warlock having blue eye but well...

All this is so much confusing. All this warlock stuff. I don't know where I am from or what kind of childhood I had. All I know is that Aunt Tessa took me when I was baby. Or well that's what she told me, because like I said I don't know anything. Sometimes I get these weird images or feelings around some places that I was there or have seen it, but it fades away really fast.

Like Poof and it is not there any more. So yea..

I scramble out of my bed, and slowly walk towards bathroom, but before that I put on some My Chemical Romance music. Thank god my CD player is till working – at least it will gonna make me fully wake up. I know I could snap my fingers and get new CD player or band itself in my room , but well last time I did some magic – matrix stuff my room almost blew up.. So mornings.. not for magic also. I need my sleep!

But.. well.. gotta wake up as far it is possible considering the fact that I have slept only about five or so hours... At least my liked song is playing "Na na na na" love beat of it – makes you want to move your body with music. Yea, duh I know I have just sounded like girl, but well.. I am gay. Which means I am happy person. Which means which whatever I don't know. I don't get why some people hide who they are its not like it really changes anything...

I open my bathrooms door wide open and I am welcomed with rainbow! And neon! Sometimes I wonder if someone else opened my bathroom door would be instantly blind. All stuff is just everywhere I am not one of those who are like neat freaks. As messy as possible is best.. That way I find everything I need. Aunt Tessa once tried to make me tidy up my room which was bad idea on her side.. Since me being my lazy self thought that doing it with magic would be best , but in the end all house stank of washing chemicals and stuff like that for month.. So she gave up and left me in piece with my mess.

I wonder what plans are for today.. Since Tessa said she had some work for me or something last night while we had dinner. Mm... I wonder what I should wear... Because well I cant wear something that would make me look like walking rainbow – if that work whatever it is are serious stuff... but nah... I need at least some color in my outfit... I wash my face and look at mirror. Holly shit... there is dark almost black bags under my eyes and I look even more paler – which is like totally unbelievable because I don't think I can get any more paler.

I wonder if I should put on some make up... I am not really fan of it. Well just guy liner, but still there is times I throw some eye shadow on or something, but today I don't feel like doing it.

So I just probably gonna line my eyes with black eye liner, yeap that's best.. I don't need stuff like mascara since my eyelashes are pretty long.

Ugh..

But those black bags under my eyes are just totally not cool.. Well what can I do? With sign I walk out of bathroom still with pajamas. Hey don't get me with shower stuff I showered like 5 hours ago? So you know scrubbing skin with sponge is not a good thing either.

Now it is time for outfit. Gah, I think some day I am going to die, there is nothing nice and new I could wear and not being able to zap things really sucks... Stupid magic.

Sometimes I wonder if I was born in wrong body or something.. Since it is taking me so long to control all this stuff. So yea.. with another sign today.. in 1hour.

I pick up my favorite blue jumper it makes my eyes just pop with eye liner and everything and black skinny jeans with lemon green belt that hangs below my ass – yeah I don t really need belt but it looks fine.. and more me? So I don t really care what others think. If I cared about what other people think of me I would probably commit suicide or something. Next thing some bracelets and maybe ear plug... I look around and see also lemon green ear plug 20mm or so.. perfect. It will match my belt. Probably I will leave bracelets out since a) I cant find them b) I don't feel like putting them on. Last thing some shoes.. shoes.. I look down at my feet and wonder what I should choice since probably I have more shoes than any teenager girl. I stick with black converses with blue laces. That is. I look at mirror. Oh yea I am sexy and I know it. Never mind that it makes me giggle like weird. I never bother to try and fix my wild black hair because it always ends up same way. Bed head. Oh well...

I grab my phone of nigh stand and leave my room. I can hear telly down stairs – probably news. I wonder why Tessa even bothers with all this mundane stuff. It is not like it affects us in any way.

But she is Tessa and Lilith forbid you should never try to change Tessa.

I can see my aunt in kitchen she is on phone talking with someone. For a moment I stop and just look at her – I wonder why did she stuck up with me. I was not really nice back then – when I was growing up. And I don't think she is anyway related to my. We are like totally different. She is petite figure – light longish brown hair and hazel eyes, also sun kissed skin. Where I am pale skin no matter how much time I spend outside. I just get sun burned. Which sucks.

We both share only one thing – well half share she has no marks of being warlock.

But I know Aunt Tessa is well old – like old old. Never mind that she looks like she is 19 or 21? I know that she is old, because I can see it in her eyes sometimes – when she looks into distance. You just know she is remembering something.

I wonder if I will be same when I grow old. Sometimes it scares me – because I know I should never fall in love Lilith forbid with mundane or someone not immortal, because it would only bring pain and sadness in the end. Even when it would bring happiness at first. Also weirdly I never really loved anyone as far as I know. Yea... I am 18 years old male , I should wonder about sex and stuff but I am virgin. I just feel like there is someone I should wait. It is weird... this feeling like someone also is waiting for me out there somewhere. It is just always with me. This longing of someone I don't even know... well probably I just gonna move forwards and see what future will bring me – maybe I will find that person.

Or maybe not, but when I think I feel this sudden pain in my chest and I feel like I don't know it is hard to breath. So I try never think of it or try not.

Aunt Tessa puts phone down and looks up at me while smiling – I smile back.

I am really happy that Tessa took care of me – she is like really sister and well best friend and well aunt to me. I wonder well I don't even want to wonder where I would have ended up if Tessa didn't take care of me.

I walk over to her and peck a kiss on her cheek – she knows I am gay and everything and she never said anything bad about it. She stood up for me when I got bullied at school about it when people found out, and I was to little to protect myself. Also well I never used magic I knew risk – mundanes should never find out about us. Even when I used glamor all time, because I just think contacts are pain in ass to use. So people would never notice my eyes. Well eye.

- So did you have nice rest, Gideon?

I look up to see her face and realize she was asking me question. Crap. I always zoom out.

Also yea my name is a bit weird Gideon Gray since she took me as baby she also well let me use her last name – since I have no details about me like I said. Tessa said she named me Gideon because she thought it would suit me – also that it reminded her of someone she knew. Well name. It is not like I don't like it – so I don't mind.

At least it is not something like Sebastian or something for some reason that name makes me shudder. Weird stuff once again.

- I did Tessa. Well if you can call 5 hours of sleep a good sleep …

I never called Tessa – Aunt Tessa when she told me not to.

-Gideon, you cant sleep your life away. You know?

-Yea suure... I am immortal Tessa, what possibly I would sleep away? I rolled my eyes sometimes it is just so hard to understand Tessa.

She just smiled and gave my – my favourite black coffee. God , smell alone made my mouth watery. I am caffeine addicted also. I am so damn happy I am not mundane with my addictions I would probably die of some health problem or something.

-So, Tessa, what is that work I should take first time as warlock was..?

She looked like she was going a) throw up b) throw up..? Wow... I just asked what I was going to do today – if there was something I should do. What was wrong with that..?

-Tessa..?

It seemed like she found her voice again or something because I saw her face start to relax.

Weird... Now I am curious to know what my first job as warlock will be. Should I run for..-

-Gideon, today you are going to help shadow hunters of New York, there was some trouble in Institute so they asked if I knew someone who could take easy job and help them... Since I know you are excited to use your power and stuff I thought you would be perfect. For this task...

I should TOTALLY run for hills. Helping.. SHADOW HUNTERS? Was she out of her frigging mind?! As far as I know it is best to avoid all of them. All I heard from downworlders bars and stuff is that shadow hunters are bunch of people that think they can do whatever they want and kill whoever they want. And. I. Had. To. Help. THEM?

-What.. THE fuck?! Tessa.. You are joking me? Right..? I … I CANT help them! Haven't you heard what they do..?! They kill our kind! Te-

-Gideon Gray! You will get your ass ready later today and you will do what I said! Is that Clear?

- It is fucking not! I am not helping those creatures!

I knew I was being over dramatic, but I was always scared of shadow hunters for some unknown reason. It was not like I ever talked with at least one of them. But just hearing that name – tittle whatever I felt suddenly scared really shitless scared. It was not like Tessa did not know it. Why did she made this choice? Me helping them? I mean … LILITH! When this day from good day turned out to be worst DAY IN MY FUCKING LIFE?

I grabbed my jacket that was thrown on couch and stormed out of house. I just needed some time to think about what Tessa said. I knew I should go back and apologize, but I couldn't make myself to do it. And I knew I needed to calm down because I could feel magic bubbling inside of me – when I looked down I saw blue sparks dancing around my fingers. I put my jackets hood on my head hiding my eyes since I didn't glamor myself and was to scared to do it. Then I hid my hands in jeans pockets and kept walking down street of New York. Even at 09:20 in morning streets were already busy with people running all about – hurrying to their so "important" tasks.

Knowing I could not go somewhere where mundanes would notice sparks leaking out of my pockets or Lilith forbid see my eyes I choose one place I knew nobody would care about what I was. Pandemonium was my favorite place – since downworlders were staff there and mostly because it was entertaining to look how stupid children of moon and werewolf were at each others throats all the time. Oh well also because there nobody would care about young warlock that was obviously struggling to keep his magic under control.

I kept walking down streets until I was facing entrance door. While taking deep breath I opened door.

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**Got a hint here in this chapter.. what might have happened :D ? well if it is still so unclear next chapter might explain a little bit about what happened ;)! And yay Tessa is here!: ) who thought Tessa could be Aunt:D?haha**

**Till next tine:)  
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**xoxxo  
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	7. Pandemonium (Magnus - Still waiting)

**Sorry about short chapter - I kind of didnt know really what to write here.. since all my head was in different chapter , but I knew I had to write something from Magnus view - since I am sure this story so far can get someone lost a bit. So yea... well I am not really proud of this chapter ,but well there is nothing I can do :l **

**Thank you Teddybear27 for your lovely comment! I am really glad to hear someone think that my story is "one of the best" :) hope you will like other chapters also.  
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**Also thank you Liz Sumeragi , you know for what ;]  
**

**Well till next time: Enjoy~  
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**xoxxo  
**

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It has been 18 years and 1 week 2hours and 35minutes.

This time made Magnus crawl walls almost and scream in pain and anger he felt all these years.

After he made deal with Seelie Queen – she had said to him that well... she will do what she can – with bringing Alec his blue eyed angel back, but she never said how or when or well when...

She had said to Magnus to wait – wait and with time he Alec will be back to him.

That was what Magnus was doing all these years.. waiting... just waiting... Even when it was so hard – he kept waiting. There was times when he just wanted to end everything and disappear.

He knew spell that would end him – all warlocks mostly all of them knew it.

Nobody else just them. It was to dangerous to write it down anywhere, but it always was there in his head. Couple words would take all this pain and anger away, but Magnus knew he had to wait no matter how long it might take. Simply because what if Alec appeared or was back when he was gone? What would Alec his Alec do? Those thoughts kept him alive, not living he knew part of his spirit went with Alec that terrible day, but he kept waiting.

Thoughts about his love made him face every single day. Even when it was so hard sometimes to wake up and get up – there was days where he would just stay in bed all day and think about Alec.

He hated those days most – it was days when spell was most tempting.

He had told about deal with Seelie Queen to others. At first none of them believed, because well Alec was … buried in coffin his body was there under ground. Below their feet , but in the end they believed him. Magnus knew because they all needed Alec , so they all believed what was so hard to still believe after 18 years.

All of them in a way were living in same nightmare, Magnus knew for sure he was.

Jace never let anyone even talk about him getting new parabatai. There was couple times when circle tried to make him take other shadow hunter to be his parabatai, but it always ended up with major fight and bloodbath in the end. So in the end he was left the way he wanted to be. Probably because well... after funeral – there was big fight with circle all of them had, Jace, Clary and Izzy was on borderline of getting their marks stripped, but probably because they were such a good shadow hunters circle was to scared to lose them. Even when those three didn't live in Institute any more nor talked with Maryse and Robert Lightwoods. Izzy had said that her parents were dead to her when her brother died and same went for Jace. Well as far as Magnus knew Jace just always wanted to kill them – since Magnus wanted to do same thing.

They all time to time helped Institute and still went on hunts, because probably it was only one thing that kept them going to insanity. Or hurting other ordinary people or each other even... All hatred and pain was still there with them even after 18 years. Lilith … time went so fast... It felt like it was just yesterday when he kissed Alec or even met him for first time.

Magnus as being High Warlock didn't really do anything as before. With helping other "mystic creatures" or shadowhunters – he only helped when it involved his new weird family in a way. Since from that day when Magnus told about his talk and deal with Seelie Queen all of them sort of stuck up for each other and helped each other. It was weird... for Magnus to feel this way – be connected with other people he never really liked before.

Today they were all meeting and Pandemonium and just probably talk about some random things none of them cared - it has been two weeks since they all talked, and Magnus heard there was some problems in Institute. That's why he was here sitting at Pandemonium and waiting for others.

While being deep in his own thoughts Magnus never saw door open and blue hooded boy walk in...


	8. Tessa Gray

**Time for Tessa to take her part! Ugh.. I hope it was not biggest failure ever..**

**:S Well Enjoy  
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When Gideon stormed out of house with loud bang of door – I was a bit scared. Also worried.

I never understood why he was scared of shadow hunters, since he was one of them... Back then.

I remember that day when Seelie Queen so none politely barged into my apartment in middle of night – which caused me to transform into small girl since I was so scared, I remember I had dream about Will and Jem once again which probably caused me to panic when I woke up with someone else in my apartment. When I saw that it was Seelie Queen I wanted to strangle that bitch for sure – even when I am pretty sure she could kill me with her one hands small finger, but still... When I was ready to do my self destruction plan I noticed small bundle that she had in her hands.

I remember that I didn't think it was baby at first, but probably some weird creature or something since faeries liked to do shocking stuff. I knew that since I had felt it with my own skin once. Not a nice feeling to have flowers instead your hand for 1 week – I had to hide in apartment.

So yea … never annoy Seelie Queen. Or any faeries folk.

Then I noticed that this thing bundle in white sheets was moving and doing those small baby voices – that babies do. Babbling and stuff. I was ready to ask what the heck she was doing at my apartment in middle of freaking night with a freaking baby. It was simply plain to weird...

But she beat me to it and spoke before I could.

What she said made my cry inside and outside, even when I tried to hold tears as much as I could. She said about how Magnus my good friend and well I have known him for long – once we even travelled for a while together and he helped Will and Jem just lost his love a young shadow hunter Alexander Lightwood, how vampire killed that poor boy. I knew about them from other downworlders since well it is not often you hear a warlock let alone High Warlock dating a Nephilim, not that it really surprised me Magnus always had his own way with other creatures, but what surprised me was knowing how much really how how much he loved that shadowhunter and from what I heard same was for that boy.

I was happy for Magnus, because I knew he only pretended to be sarcastic and well happy with his parties and stuff – I knew real Magnus well not probably everything, but I knew he was lonely and not happy as he pretended to be, but when I found out about him and this Alexander I was really happy , to know that finally someone was there for Magnus and caring about him. Not because what he could do or what he was, but because who he was without all make up and sarcastic jokes.

What Seelie Queen said – before she even finished Tessa just knew she was going to do anything she can. To help Magnus get a boy he loved back.

Seelie had told her about how Magnus made deal with her and she accepted. She told Tessa that she did not tell Magnus how she was going to do it – or when. And she made her to promise that she would never tell Magnus what really she Seelie Queen did.

Tessa listened how Seelie Queen told her about how she got Alec's spirit back from dead world, and how he was reborn as warlock – she told Tessa about baby she was holding, she said how they found newborn that they knew was going to be warlock even without him opening eyes. She told how baby was on borderline of dying also – his spirit original spirit was already leaving babies body – and they took opportunity to put Alec's spirit there – Seelie Queen said if baby was not on borderline of dying and if his spirit was not away already she would have waited for next opportunity, but in the end it happened this way, but since it was hard thing to do since Alec was Nephilim and had angels blood even when it was only his spirit it still mattered so they had to make baby to be half faery also – since they could not remove Nephilim and angels spirit in Alec they had to make it accept Lilith`s spirit also – since Warlocks were children of Lilith. In the end nobody knew if baby was going to survive, but it did.

While having three different types of blood in his running his veins

She had said to Tessa that this new baby this newborn Alec was going to be mostly warlock, just it might take time with controlling his magic, but it would also be a little bit of faery – he was going to be able to walk along their kind and ask for her help whenever he needed.

Also while having Nephilim blood he was going to be able to get marked – runes would not hurt or burn him like ordinary warlock, but it might tired or so since almost all Nephilim blood in him was almost gone.

While she was talking Tessa never knew when she took small white bundle of Queen hands and was holding close to her chest like she wanted to protect it – she felt really protective towards this little creature. Tessa knew she was going to do everything she can to help. She knew what it felt to lose most important person in her life – and she did not want Magnus to feel it also.

After Seelie Queen finished talking it was almost morning and when she was ready to leave Tessa knew she was not going to give this baby back to her – and she did not need to think that way.

Seelie Queen asked her to raise and take care of this new Alec. But never tell him what she knew. Queen said that it was part of deal she did with who she never told to Tessa, but Alec had to find his past alone or with Magnus.

So from that day she was Aunt Tessa to Gideon – she named Alec – Gideon because she thought it might some day help him remember about who he really was and who he loved – because Queen told her his full name and his middle name was Gideon and well Tessa thought it would suit him, when he was not able to have his full true name.

She watched how he grew up and how different and at same time he was to Alec he was before.

What she loved most was his eyes one humans – one warlocks, probably he never noticed a slightly pointed ears – showing that he had faery folk blood in his veins also.

She gave him her last name knowing that he was never going to be Lightwood again.

In a way Tessa felt really connected to him – he was part of her family now. She liked his company and how in a long time she was able to have someone to talk with.

Tessa knew she was always going to protect Gideon or Alec in other words , and she knew she was going to do everything in her power to make Magnus and Alec be back together again...

Then last week she heard news how Institute needed help of warlock since it looked like Magnus was no longer really helping them and doing his job as High Warlock – which Tessa never could blame knowing what he was probably feeling she thought sending Gideon – Alec there would help him to remember his past life – but for some reason he was scared of shadow hunters...

With a sign Tessa stood up and left kitchen to get ready – she was going to have a chat with Gideon when he came back.


	9. Pandemonium (Gideon & Ash)

When I walk into Pandemonium I am instantly hit with smell of weird stuff, that probably you could find only here like – fresh meat big eww to werewolf's or blood eww eww vampires those creatures are just to ugh... I don't even have words to describe them. Simply I feel like making them burst into flames when I see them. Which is not such a good thing since I am still pretty shaken up from this morning. I tried to calm myself down, but blue flames kept bursting out of my fingers – why cant I control it like all warlocks can?!

I lift my head and look around – I can see that it is pretty busy day. There is some weird faeries group sharing some once again weird looking drink probably it would make you grow wings or something... Then I see some werewolf's eating bloody steak ugh... thank Lilith there is nothing in my stomach to puke out. Also without looking I can feel vampires near where I stand since they are staring at me like I am walking drink. Got joke? I try not to look at them – since I am pretty damn sure I would do something stupid like make one of them disappear and appear somewhere 1000feet in sky. Or so.. Then something catches my attention – since it is all black I mean as in black – black hair as far I can see from his (I think?) back, black top, black trousers and black shoes.. Lilith.. who died there? Or something? All black … boring...plain, but for some reason I want to see his face so badly it is unbelievable! I feel like I have seen him somewhere before... but I am sure all people I know are more.. rainbowish..? I am about to get ready and go over to his table, since I can tell he is upset about something and sad which brings weird feelings to me like I don't want him to be sad...

This day is. Freaky. Weird. With capital F and W at the beginning, but I hear someone call me, so instantly I turn around and see friendly face of Ash he is bartender. Half demon or so as far as I know. Also only one friend I sort of have now that wont run hills seeing me.

We never talk about our past which is something we both agreed without really any questions.

He is not really tall probably 5 feet or so where I am 6 feet and half or even almost 7 feet_ (A/N I am not good at feet stuff so don't laugh if this is really... not making sense xD)_ with brown hair that are always tied up in ponytail at the back. Green eyes and friendly smile. Well Ash is like I don't know best friend sort of to me? We met once when I knocked him out by mistake when I was 15 or so and from then we are friends. He wears his work clothes black trouser and white t-shirt.

I walk over and take seat. He looks at me like he is waiting for me to tell something. I can see it in his eyes.

-Whaaaat?... - I like the way he never really judged me for being gay. Since he is like straight as a ruler where I am straight as rainbow circle. So yea...

-Nothing, nothing. Gideon you just look like you are ready to fry someone or something... what kind of cat got under your skin..?

-I believe if you called my aunt cat she would skin you then burn you or something. - I cant stop myself from laughing that is bubbling in my, Ash's face expression is just to hilarious it looks like he is really scared about my-

-Well knowing your aunt I would believe she would do this to me.. Remember last summer? When we were out hiking and you almost set all forest on fire, becau-

-Yes I do remember it, Ash! Stop making me feel embarrassed once again I freaked out because I saw spider on my tent... it is not funny...

- Of course it is! Dude, that spider was like size of your smaller finger fingernail!

I just glare at him and he stops laughing his ass off. I mean I just hate spiders, that is not funny!

All their thousand of legs and stuff. It makes me shudder just thinking about them. For a moment I forgot about sort of fight I had with my aunt, but...no-

- OK. Gideon, buddy look at me and tell me what's wrong. You don't look like yourself, you can tell me what is bothering you – you know I am your friend and I will help you.

- Am I that obvious..?

- Yep. Like open book. So tell me what's wrong, ok?

- Well my aunt said that Iwasgoingtohelptshadowhunter satInstituteandasyouknowthey scaremeshitless...

-WOAH WOAH WOAH! As much I love when you ramble like this – I cant understand you. So take deep breath and tell me it slowly without all rambling you do.

-Ugh, fine. Today I had this chat about my first job as warlock and she said that I was going to help shadowhunters of New York at their Institute or something, but I never really found out more since I pretty much ran out of house and well.. here I am...

I saw how expression from being curious changed to confused and then slightly fear as much Ash could read my as open book – I could also.

-Look, I-

-Gideon, you really gonna work with them? Buddy, you sure about it? I heard some weird shit happened there and stuff.

-I know, but it is not like I ever even talked with them and since it is aunt who found that job to me I am sure I will be fine – she would never send me somewhere where I could get hurt or something...? Right? And besides I am fully warlock now even when sometimes it is hard to control this magic stuff, but I should be able to protect myself..

-Yea, but I am not sure... You might need help you know... since there is like I don't know 10 or so of them and only one you..

- But who I could ask for help? I mean aunt cant use magic just transform and I don't know any other warlocks who would be able to help me – let alone stand me and my character.

- You know I can always help-

-Ash really? But you are not like warlock you cant use magic and I don't want my only one friend get hurt cause I am scared, rea-

-Gi, I am your friend and I will help you besides I might not be able to use magic, but as you know I am good at knifes, daggers and stuff AND I am half demon which means I am physically stronger than human – and maybe even you. I know you can do all those vodooo things, but you might need someone to watch your back, while you do your stuff.

-Yea probably you are right... but then we have to talk with Tessa about this, when you finish today?

- About 6 or so...

- What time is now, since I forgot my phone once again...

- Really? You need that thing to be glued to your hand, well if my watch is working correctly it is three thirty or so couple hours left.. wanna have a drink or something? If you are not going anywhere.

-Nah, I will stay here is nothing to do anyway and I don't feel like facing Tessa yet... About drink... Black coffee?

I can see him rolling his eyes. Well I am coffee addict so please leave me and my coffee alone.

-Sure, sure coffee black? Again you caffeine addict...

-HEY! Leave me and my coffee alone! - I feel myself smiling. It is good to have friend like Ash.

I turn around and look at black man (Since I don't know his name..?) again, he looks so sad and lonely for some reason it makes my heart beat painfully..

-Hey, Ash who is that? - I slightly show my head towards direction of black clothed man, since I think it is rude to point fingers.

I can see Ash following with his eyes where I am pointing and they slightly widen.

- Ash?

-Oh sorry that guy is out of your league, buddy...

-ERM.. I am not HEY I Am not asking that WAY! He just looks so sad and lonely I wonder why, but if you started why he is out of my league?

-Well he is Magnus Bane. High Warlock or so that's what I heard and-

-Woah! High Warlock?! So that's why he is out of my league..?

-No no. It is just last guy tried to talk with him almost ended up in pile of ashes.

I turn around and look at this Magnus Bane again weirdly his name sounds really familiar.. probably I heard it somewhere since he is High Warlock..? But I don't feel like I have heard his name anywhere...

- Do you think he is not you know...gay?

-Well, Gideon, how could I know? I don't swing that way, but the way he acted towards that guy and he looked nice as far I can tell from my opinion, I don't think he is well gay like you, sorry bro.

-No need, I was just wondering. I don't think he is my taste anyway.. to...

-Dark?

-Yeah. - I can see Ash grinning and I grin back. But for some reason I feel slightly sad when he said that this Magnus was probably straight. I wonder if it is my hormones or something I was never upset about some guy... I still feel like I want to know him more and talk with him – feel his arm around me- feel- WOAH.. What I am thinking I seriously need sleep … Thinking about some random guy is totally unlike me.. But still. I wish I could go over and talk with him – maybe find out why he looks so sad and if something bad happened, but for some reason I am a bit scared. Probably because he is like ten thousand times stronger and the way Ash told me he treated that other guy. Oh well... I need some distraction, this really is not myself thinking here...

-Ashhhhhh, I need distraction...

- Sorry, cant help your hormones here.

-HEY! YOU DORTY MIND! I don't mean that DISTRACTION! I just need something – I dunno talk about something random? Not all this serious crap I am facing today. Help your friend out pleeaseeeee!

-Well. If you say so, I have some "gossip"

-Good to know, but really if you are not busy I don't want to distract you at work..- sometimes I wonder how he can be straight when he likes all this gossip so much, but well … I am living in weird world so why should I be shocked about this..?

-Do I seriously look busy? If not you I would count tiles or something.

-Weirdo...

-Thanks. So get ready this might take some time.

I know this will go for ages since whenever he starts talking about all this "gossip" it can take about couple hours for him to be halfway finished. At least it will take my mind of Magnus...

-Well I heard from some vamps talking about some guy being killed at some high school apparently by vampire...

-Really? Vamps are out in daylight?

-Yea looks like.

It was weird... as far I know vamps always kept low...

-This sounds interesting. Give me all bloody details also.

- That's what I am doing if you please keep silent.

-Okay okay smarty pants go ahead I am all ears now. - Ash just glared at my and I smiled. Bwahaha D:_ (A/N I just felt like writing bwaha xD)_

_-_So like I said. That guy was thrown out of third floor window and all his blood was all around place. Apparently he had startled expression on his face – which I guess would surprise me also...

-SORRY SORRY! But you are saying that vamps can walk in daylight? How the fuck...

-Well it looks like some of them can since it apparently happened in middle of day. Stupid mundanes. Also like I said that vamp left that body in bloody mess – and you know what mundanes police said? That his kid was on drugs and fell out of window himself.. how that is even realistic I don't fucking know...

-I imagine vampire thinking something like "Ha Ha! Hilarious! He fell of window already without half of blood in his body! I know, I know stake me now!"

-You and your jokes even if I work here I cant help you if you get some vamps on your back by the end of today...

-Yea yea relax I am can dust them. So get back on your story..

-But I am really like confused isn't like rules to vamps drummed into their heads when they just turn and re-drummed like all the time...

-They are vamps their brains are dead... So you know...

-You really don't like vamps don't you?

I just shudder so what if I don't? I mean they suck your blood out of you and that is just gross...

-Hey, Gideon, you know now when you are big boy forever, but still 18 wont you need go to school or uni or college all your life over and over again?

-If I have to go to high school or college or uni over and over again for the rest of eternity, I will seriously decapitate myself. And you are same as me...

-I am not really, I will age. Slowly, but I will some day...

-Ash, lets not talk about anything serious. I am seriously not in mood for it today...

-Sorry, bro. It just slipped...

-I know. Lets just change subject to more gossip I believe you have. Or how about this new girl you are going out with..?

-OH! Well about Riley... well she is always on phone with her best friend. Personally I don't know what they find to talk about. I mean they see each other practically call day every day and then first thing they do when they get back home is phone each other up! And when they are not doing that they are texting each other in this well weird language all of their own. Gideon! What's wrong with you know keeping it real and communicating with a fellow creature on one to one, eyeball to eyeball basis? Can you help me? Why they always do that...

-Ash, I might be gay, but I am sure as day don't know all this girl stuff with texting and so... It is their own wee thing...

-And it sucks!

-Hmm... anything else?

- Well there is this community center all new-revamped-refurnished-re-everything. And I think I am going to give it a try you know, but I am not sure at same time I heard this vamp is going there and I am not in mood to bump into any vamps and give them a chance to spout garbage at my face for three or so hours, since you know vamps and all their "how dare you touch me shit"

-Seriously? Vamps and demons sorry no hating intended. Are joining community center? That is just hilarious!

- I know! But still it looks kind of fun... You wanna go with me?

-Me and mundanes? Don't think so...

-Yea oh right...

-Whattttttttttttttt?

I mean sometimes I don't get how he can like mundanes.

-Nothing nothing. Also it was funny yesterday my girlfriend was like I need work. I was like what kind of work? She was like "I don't care what it is. Road sweeper? Chat show host? Astronaut? Anything will do. I was so tempted to ask her is she would like to be assistant in creatures that she thinks never exists bar..

-OH! That would be hilarious. You all "You know I am demon and I work in freaks of nature bar"

No hating also I am one of those freaks if you get what I mean.

-So, Gideon have you popped your cherry yet?

This made my spit out coffee I had... what did he just ask?

-What?! The fuck.. Ash. Seriously... Do I look like I would pop my cherry with someone I don't even love? And really why are you even asking..?

-Well cause I did get mines. Popped.

-...

That's what I looked like probably. He was showing off. Hey! That's not fair. I mean I never had done it. And well. Why he even asked.. For some reason my mind automatically turned rabbit fast and image of this Magnus Bane appeared. Okei... creepy... What's wrong with me today?!

-Hey, Gideon, Earth is calling you. Don't you dare to have wet daydreaming not matter how sexy I am.

I felt my cheeks heating up. Damn this. I was probably red as tomato.

-You sick bastard I am not thinking about you...

-Then who else? My dear friend is having boner about?

- I DO NOT HAVE BONER!

Whoops I didn't intend to say it aloud.. couple of heads turned around to look at me, but guy I wanted to look at never did. I wanted to see his face. Like nothing else I wanted ever.

Ash caught my eyes looking at this Magnus Bane and he signed.

-Gideon, you don't have choice don't even think he wont care about your feelings.

And you just gonna end up getting hurt...

-I … I.. no its not that... Never mind..

I looked down to look at my hands at least blue sparks didn't burst out.

For some reason I felt like Magnus would never hurt anyone – Lilith it was so weird I didn't even know this guy.. I don't understand where this all is coming from. I feel like this Magnus was nice person and someone who would care. Weird. Lilith! My stupid hormones are acting weird today that's for sure...

-Hey, Gid you know by any chance what does BT2CU4DHUEOW? Riley just text ed me ad I don't have slightest clue what it means... Really girls and their texts...

-Erm... Been told to see you for dinner have you eaten on Wednesday?

-Really..?

-Hey whattt? I am not psychic or something...

-Well what you said cant be right it doesn't make sense. Oh.. wait.. I KNOW!

-Huh?

Probably I had dumbfounded look on my face, Ash really can be weird sometimes...

- It is. Been trying to call you for day have you emigrated or what?

-Well you was kind of in Tokyo with me for a weekend-

-And then you forgot how to open portal without blowing up everything.

-Sorry...

Yea that weekend was fun it was when I first time used portal to get us over Tokyo which is like so far away.. It was fun, but then I sort of lost control once again of my magic, and we were stuck in Tokyo for week, not that both of us really cared. At least we saw cool performance of band called the Gazette – which inspired my with my wild hair! Ops! I forgot I gotta get hair gel soon...

-Nah don't be it was fun..

-Well at least you didn't get this type of text I got once "TSS4BBNWC"

-What the hell?

-Well I had to phone Joshua you know one ginger haired?

-Yea I know one that tried hit on you. Funny day was it..

-Yea well when I opened phone and saw it I had only one trouble I had to phone him and ask him what the hell did it meant. Which kind of defeated the object. But well how I was supposed to know what it meant?

-I got what you mean so...? What happened next?

-Well apparently it stood for "Tony spotted snogging for Britain but not with Cary. I was like what the fuck...

-Talk about awkward! I feel sorry for Tony – Cary can be … scary.

-I know right?

-But well back on weird text I was like it could have meant anything, couldn't it? It could have meant Toasted sausage sandwiches for big bouncing nono with children for all I know! Weird text life...Well anyway.. You have weird look on your face.

-Should I call her...

-Just call her I can see on your face Up-for-a-bit-of-mutual-tonsil-hoovering. At least you will be able to arrange meeting with her today later after we talk with Tessa … if you want to still.

-Sure I do and I will. OK, give me second.

When I saw Ash walking down to make call my mind drifted to this mysterious guy. I daydreamed for Lilith knows how long and I was ready to go over and maybe just say hi and hope nothing bad happened. I felt like if he didn't like me or would tell me go away I would end up crying or something just feeling like he didn't want me made me all ache inside in bad way. I was ready to get up when I heard door open and I saw 4 black clothed figures walk in. One had golden hair I as far I could see and there was other boy with dark brown hair and glasses. Then there was girl with curly red hair and other one with long beautiful black hair. I felt like I have seen them somewhere, but again... weird! I don't get what is happening to me today... I saw them walking towards Magnus. Before I knew I was out of my seat I felt like I had to protect this Magnus person for some reason, but then golden haired boy looked at my and I felt myself fall back on chair. He had runes poking out of his collar and weird blades – swords who knows I instantly knew he was shadow hunter. I felt my breathing going faster I felt like I was going to have heart attack, but before I could go into panic attack I felt cold hand on my shoulder I turned around and saw concerned look on Ash's face.

He walked around bar and stood in front of me. I could feel magic pulsing around me and I knew I was going out of control once again. Before I ended up doing something I would regret or hurt someone.

-I n—need to g-get out nn-now – I knew my voice was almost whisper, but I didn't wait for reply from Ash I bolted out of Pandemonium front door. While feeling stares of strange people I felt like I knew.

**A/N Who thinks Ash is nice friend :D?**


	10. Ash meets sad group

**God i am so ashamed of this chapter.. please just kill me now T_T...**

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When Gideon just came over to Pandemonium I knew that something was wrong , because he usually never shows up here without text message or call.

I was right, when I saw him entering club or bar whatever in heck things call this place, I knew something was wrong.

He was pale – which considering his pale skin is totally of track, because I thought he could not get any much paler – he was even more paler than crashing his brand new car and calling his aunt. Since his aunt is serious business even I was scared to face her. That women could make you do anything without even telling you to – just the she looked at you.

Sometimes I joked about how I was going to start shitting bricks next time we got in trouble and she had to save our necks. Since I spent pretty much all the time with Gideon and others, when they were not to busy God knows what.. But something I knew bad must happen because I knew Gideon and Tessa got along very well - you could clearly see that they cared about each other. Even when Gideon once told me they were not really even related, but that was other dark corner in our brains we never talked.

About our past and about what we did or what we have done. It was better that way.

Even when I called Gideon my best friend I knew I was not ready to tell him what happened to me when I was a kid, and I knew he could not talk about his past because apparently he didn't know anything and well I never made him talk about something he did not want. Gideon was that kind of person. Never talking about his own problems if we don't ask or more like don't drag them out of him, I think he cared to much about others. Like once we were for some unknown reason attacked by bunch of some forsaken he jumped in front of me without thinking and took blow that would have killed him if not his warlocks powers that healed his skin after couple hours even when I knew he felt pain for the rest of week he never said anything about it.

I shake my head to clear thoughts I did not want to think about, but it was to late Gideon had stormed out of club. And I was standing probably with dumbfounded look on my face – probably I would have face palmed myself if not voice I heard behind me. I knew I was going to contact others as soon as possible, because I was really worried about Gideon. And since I couldn't leave till I finish my shift I had to make sure others found Gideon, his out of control magic always brought pain to him and he always ended up feeling like worthless warlock on earth. Proba-

"Hey, dude I talking with you!"

Huh.? Oh right I zoomed out. I wish sometimes I could just stab some creatures at this club, because of their attitude..

"Sorry. I didn't hear you – what did you ask me?" - I turn around and face black haired girl for some reason she reminds me of Gideon – it feels like they have same face features like straight nose – pale skin... but what.. No never mind he is warlock, God I was getting tired today...

"Well I asked you like ten thousand tim-"

"Izzy, don't start argument we don't need..."

I turn around once again and see this Magnus Bane persona that Gideon had eye on … well he does not look to bad. If not bags under eyes and this baggy sweater... Blah, Gideon is rubbing of on me.

"Sorry, I was just thinking. So what did you ask?"

"Well I was wondering what was up with this guy I saw you talking with. Blue hoodi-"

"You mean Gideon?" I was not wondering why Gideon didn't really like shadow hunters I saw blades of some sort and those weird black tattoos just now so I knew who they were, but it doesn't mean they can talk shit about my friends by any chance.

Even thought I wondered why he was scared of them. I mean come on he could make them into pile of ashes with only lifting his finger...

"So... that guy is Gideon. I – we I mean we were just wondering if there is something wrong, he stormed out of here like he was scared we were going to kill him or something... anyway who is he?"

"Why would you need to know who he is?"

"Because-..."

"Because once we didn't listen to someone we care about and that person ended up hurt, dude you don't need to worry about us hurting your friend. He just looked not fine that's all..

I noticed golden haired boy. He kept so silent before I didn't even notice him...well it felt like they were talking truth.. so there is nothing wrong if I tell them who is Gideon it is not like they are not going to find out soon – maybe they are even from same Institute Gideon was talking. Some basic information might help him with calming down when going there...

Oh well..

"Well um I er I am sorry about your friend I guess" I saw them all flinch I wonder what have happened...

"No need, and I am sorry for being rude, I am Isabella, but everyone calls me Izzy. It is just well our life is not all in correct places for a long – so well sorry I snapped. This – she pointed at golden haired boy- is Jace. Next is – she pointed at boy with slightly curled hair and glasses, but I.- he is Simon my boyfriend and vampire –

I never noticed how I backed couple steps back but I saw this Izzy person shaking her head a little and I stopped in my track.

"I am sorry... We, I mean I don't have good relationships with … um vampires...and I never heard shadow hunter dating vampire..sorry"

I knew I sounded lame even for my own ears, but if you were friends with Gideon and others of gang you would pick up this not liking vampires thing. Personally I didn't care about them.

"It is fine. Don't worry I wont bite you"

This Simon said and he sounded … friendly? Not all this I-gonna-suck-your-blood-out. So I just nodded.

"Well since you two are fine now I should introduce last person – she pointed at High Warlock- this is Magnus Bane H-"

"Izzy, I long ago dropped that tittle even when people still know who I am. I am not it. You know why..." There was sadness in that warlocks eyes – I did not wonder now why Gideon wanted to talk with this person. He looked.. broken? And-

"So since you know who we are who are you then?"

"Oh, I am Ash Blake. I work here as bartender.. I guess is nice to meet you all?"

They all nodded and Izzy slightly smiled, but it never reached her eyes. I wonder what happened to them all..Sign .. again.

"So about your friend?"

"Oh yea right crap I should call other so they could look for him. He is Gideon. Well he is warlock... and-"

"Warlock?! I never heard of new warlocks in this place. Wait.. that is why I … never mind" said Magnus.

He looked kind of shocked to hear this, but like.. don't know he should know? I looked at them all and saw sour faces. Huh?

"Well, he just hit 18 last week and sometimes he loses control over his magic and stuff..and-"

"WHAT?You are Telling me THAT This warlock is losing CONTROL?AND YOU LET HIM STORM OUT? DO you not know what could happen if he went fully out of control?! Magnus by the end was shouting. And I was now truly scared for my life , I knew now why he was called High Warlock..

"I .-"

"Never mind I will find this Gideon before he kills himself with his own ability stupid creatures you are never understand what it means to be warlock!"

Before I could collect what was happening Magnus Bane pushed past me and ran out of club. While his companions had probably same face expression as me.

"What the fuck? Just happened?"


	11. Gideon (I need him)

I was running for Lilith knows how long until my legs ached and my lungs screamed for my to stop.

But I still kept running, pushing my legs to limit. I was scared. It felt like all my veins were filled with panic and fear – fear of something I didn't know. Fear of finding something I didn't know either.

I run until I have to stop and take deep breaths – I feel like my heart might burst out or stop between them two. I feel myself shaking. It feels like my heart beats faster one moment and painfully slow next.

I feel my knees buckle and I let myself slide down wall I was leaning against just a moment ago. I don't know where I am or what I am doing – everything is so confusing. I just lie on cold ground and try to get air back in my abused lungs I feel like I am underwater it is so hard to breath...

My entire core feels like it might collapse. I am shaking that badly even my teeth are chattering. I know I need to calm down – I still can feel blue flames bursting out of my fingers.

I feel like I am set on fire – but next moment I am so cold. I cant get air – every single gulp I try to inhale just makes me gag I cant get my breath back – I feel like I have ran miles and miles in hot sun. But I am so scared – something inside of my tells me not to panic tells me I still need to see someone – it feels like my heart is aching towards something I don't know. I don't know what to do. I try to pry my eye open, but dizziness hits me like train and I feel world spinning even when I am lying on cold ground. I try to choke out someone to help, but I stop before anyone notices me – I still cant get my magic under control. It feels like every single second it is getting even more and more wider. Like beast is slowly getting out of his shelf. I lift my arms as much I can and hold them close against my own chest – like I am trying to make blue flames disappear in my like they should.

But it feels like they are even getting stronger. I never notice tears running down my cheeks. I cant stand up I cant shout or scream it is like someone is choking my – my chest hurts so much.

I pry my eyes open once again and I am hit again with dizziness, but I still try to keep them open. I try to see if anyone is coming this way – so I could warm them or do something. Anything. But it is only empty street and cold wind blowing in my face – numbing my cheeks. I want to scream for Tessa I know she would know what to do – I am so scared. My mind is numb I blind rapidly and see black spots appear in my vision. I am still holding my hands close to my chest, but I feel like I cant hold them any longer – I suddenly feel so tired like I just want to close my eyes and slip away.

I don't care any more about people saying blue flames dancing around me. I don t any longer pain in my chest. I feel so numb... I can feel myself slipping, I close my eyes – I can taste sore metallic taste on my tongue like I have bitten it... maybe I have?

I don't know...

I cant feel anything – only hear my own heart beats and they are starting to sound so silent to me. I can feel it getting slower and slower, but I don't feel any pain... I cant think of anything.. My mind is so numb – I cant feel coldness I felt or this burning feeling.

It feels like my heart is beating last beats – still trying to pump blood around my body.

I wonder how I look outside... Probably like homeless person – person who was set on fire. But it feels numb my mind cant proceed things like mundanes can see you – they can see flames...

I don't care. I just want to slip away.

But suddenly I feel like electricity flows in every single part of my body and I am jolted awake. My eyes pop open, I feel my head is above ground, but as soon I feel this sensation in my it rushes away. My mind goes blank once again and I feel my head hitting ground with loud "thumb" , but before I slip away I see him... I know I need him. I open my mouth and scream in cold night his name.

"Magnus!"

And everything fades away...


	12. So close and so far away

I ran down street while mundanes shouted at my because I knocked some of them down – if they did move out of my way. How could this Ash person let a warlock that is going out of control leave – let alone a young warlock, who just barely received his immortality.

I was frustrated and pissed off – which was something I did not like. How could this creature or whatever this Ash person was let Gideon go when that poor kid probably was in panic with everything inside of him.

Magnus knew how it felt being out of control. It was like burning and at same time drowning. The more you tried to calm down as it seemed the more you actually would go out of control. But scariest and most worst point was if in the end you could not control your power – you would die. All magic inside you would burst out of you while taking also soul of that person – the more magic faded away – soul faded away until nothing but body is left.

Magnus was scared for some unknown reason. He never realized... next thought made him stop in his wild run – almost knocking out some stupid mundanes once again. Words Ash told him made his insides twist into unpleasant worry and panic. It was name... God no.. Name. It was same name as Alec's middle name. No, no no! Magnus spent all day trying not to think about his Angel with baby blue eyes. NO! He felt his eyes start to burn. It was only damn name! Name not his angel! Magnus wanted to slap himself. Dammit! Alec My heart was taken by you... broken by you... and now it is in pieces because of you! Frustrated tears started to fall his cheeks hundredth time in this week. Magnus grunted his teeth and angrily shakes his head while tears are still falling down his cheeks making him remember what he tried to forget for so long – forget and keep waiting for his Alec to return... Even when it felt like it would never happen and his spell which stopped Izzy, Jace and Clary age for 20 years would go waste and they would age rapidly in one week – while they would have wasted 20 years of their life.

Magnus knew only 2 years were left... where Jace would wake up next day looking around 35 same went for others. Magnus was still standing in shock and frustrated tears still running his make up free cheeks. But Magnus heard scream – scream that made him remember voice he missed so much – longed so much.

It was him! It was his angel screaming his name in cold night – without thinking Magnus ran towards voice he missed so much. He wanted to scream out his lovers name, but it was like someone had taken away his voice, only whisper came out.

_Wanting him is hard to forget, loving him is hard to regret, losing him is hard to accept, but even with all the hurt I've felt, letting go is the most painful yet. _

Magnus ran for God knows how long – pushing everyone out of his way. Not listening to curses that were sent in his directions. All he could think was about holding his angel again close to his chest. Begging for forgiveness. For leaving him alone in tunnel. For letting him get hurt. Magnus kept running. Only trail of tears left in wind behind him.. Magnus remembers his mistake... He asked himself so many times this question "why did I broke up with him? Because of Camille? Was it really because of that? Or it was because of something else? Like puzzle... was it like everything they had was broken and lying on floor waiting for it to be put back together, but none of the pieces fit together... even when they tried really hard, the pieces, well they were two different puzzles maybe that's why?" Magnus now knew they both had problems to be fixed, but he missed his angel so much. All small things like driving with his hand resting on my knee and the way they would always share this big goocey ice cream and Chairman Meow would give them death glare. But Magnus especially missed the nights when his angel was all around him, the taste, and the scent and the feel of him. Magnus missed how he would fall asleep in his angels arms, with sound of his heartbeat being the last thing before he would fall asleep with knowing that his angel would be there beside him in the morning.

So Magnus pushed all questions and what if away – he just started to run faster.

He rounded corner and felt something – before he even saw. Magic. Like his – it was everywhere all around him. In air. In plants. It was incredible feeling it made him forget about what hurt him most. But only for second. Then he was jolted awake from it. He saw figure lying on ground not moving. Not moving – like it was before... Panic and fear almost knocked Magnus over. His mind kept showing him images of night – night that made is life into nightmare without a way out.

He walked in slow walk like a zombie towards figure – he was scared to face and know he was to late. Once again.

His knees felt like they could buckle, so Magnus crouched beside not moving figure. He never saw it was not his angel – Magnus thought it was him. Same pale skin – raven black hair. Same cheekbones – same straight nose. He never noticed small differences. His tears were making him see blurry. Like he was under water.

Magnus slowly lifted the boy he thought was his angel and held him close in tight embrace.

He felt like everything finally was fine. Like he finally found his angel his meaning in life once again. He never noticed that it was not same person.. in a way.

He slowly kissed pale cheeks – brushing away tears with his thumb. Tears that were his own.

Tears of sorrow. Tears of hope.

Magnus felt boy in his arms stir and he felt like his hear might burst he wanted so much to see his angel blue eyes – eyes he longed so long.

Magnus gently lifted boys face upwards and kissed his pale lips.

Then cupped pale cheek and brushed tears away softly with his thumb.

Tears he could not stop falling. Magnus felt like part of his heart was returning to him – like part of his soul was coming back to him...

Just to be crushed away, but he did not know that yet. His angel slowly opened his eyes. Baby blue met his green golden ones – it felt like hope was building in him. Creating bridge between him and his angel. Magnus wanted to see both baby blues eyes so he gently moved away hair that hid right eye.

Eye that shattered his hope once again.

He was met with baby blue eye, but it was not his angels eye it was same eye as he carried – with cat slit pupil even when it was same shade blue... Magnus heard voice even when it was similar to one he longed it was not the same..

"Please...Don't cry when the sun is gone, because the tears won't let you see the stars..."

Magnus felt like remains of his heart were ripped apart into pieces he could never find again. He didn't notice how he dropped boy to the ground – how he stood up and backed away like it was poison... Magnus felt his entire core shaking. He never noticed how confused and broken boy looked while trying to stand up, but his legs being to weak only dragged him down...once again, Magnus never noticed how boy wanted to say something, but it seemed like his voice was somewhere else, not with him.

Magnus only saw his angel there where this boy was – Magnus tried to reach to him with hope but it shattered once again. Leaving him hollow, empty, devastated and lonely like never before. Magnus felt like it was that horrible night like before...

But Magnus noticed how boy slowly scrambled to his feet – even when it was wobbly and weak. Magnus noticed how boy reached his hand towards him – while having tears in his two different eyes. Eye that were meant to be his angel and eye that meant it was only a dream – only a dream... that broke Magnus even more. Magnus flinched and slapped boys hand away like it was poison.

Still with tears running down his cheeks and crashing into cold ground.

Like hope crashing all around him, Magnus turned around and ran as fast as he could. Even when tears in his eyes were making it hard to see – Magnus kept running. He never noticed boy shouting his name.

He never noticed how boy once again fell down to the ground and stayed there – while tears running down his pale cheeks, that were so much similar to his angels.

Magnus never saw heart broken look on boys face.

He never did...

Magnus never saw recognition in boys face – never saw stormed blue eyes that were filled with emotions and feelings Magnus knew so deep, and longed for so long.

Magnus never knew he was so near his angel once again.

He never noticed how close he was to his love again. He never saw how heartbroken his loves face was – with emotions pouring down his pale cheeks. Crashing into ground where he hugged his knees close to his chest and sobbed his broken heart.

Magnus never did. He kept running... Running more and more away from his love he longed for so long, and pushed away just couple minutes ago.

Magnus never saw how his love tried to stand up , but crashed down to ground. This time without moving...

He never did.

Magnus was so close to his angel – but he pushed him away...

Without knowing what it might bring...

And what it took away...

He kept running with tragic trail of tears behind him the cold wind...

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**DEAD. FLops down to bed. This chapter made my stay awake till 01:22 because icould not stop until i wrote all feelings and ideas down.. so yea i am screwed tomorrow in lectures but ! i hope you guys like this chapter.**

**Sorry about previous two chapters T_T  
**


	13. I am worthless and

**IMPORTANT!**

**I am asking if anyone would like to help my write and improve this story.. since my main language is not english , sometimes it is problem for me.. And well if well anyone is interested in doing this PM me or leave comment... Dunno sorry again... x_x i feel so noobish now sorry again all! i am trying my best i am really ._. well i hope you like this chapter guys r/r if you want :L  
**

**This is sort of Alec point of view and not.. I really dont know anymore how this story is going to end haha  
**

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I feel like I am floating in air. Only emptiness and numbness surrounds me. I cant feel anything nor hear anything – it feels like there is nothing around me. Maybe there is nothing? Maybe everything I knew is gone? Where am I? Why I feel this burning sensation all of sudden it is filling my body. Everything is burning – I try to open my eyes, but I cant I feel like they are glued shut. I try to move my fingers, but I cant feel them...

I try to say something ask someone where am I, but I neither can do it. I feel like I am floating in air. Air that is filled with this burning sensation, I want to scream to shout out to do anything just to make this burning go away. I feel like even my blood is getting hotter, even when I cant feel my arms, my legs I can feel this burning feeling – I feel like hot flames are all around me burning my alive.. I want to scream his name and beg him to stop this pain, but suddenly I am hit with memories I feared so much – memories of him going away. Telling me he never wants to see me again... It feels like pain increases even more ripping everything inside my – twisting my hear until it feels like it is going to burst – making me choke even when I cant make a sound... I feel my heart crack – I feel like one side of my heart just died leaving other side filled with pain, pain that is eating my inside. Leaving me hollow and empty. I want to slip away into emptiness that over took me so suddenly, but it feels like emptiness itself is against me images of him flickers in front of my eyes – eyes I cant feel, cant blink, cant open, but I see him. I see him smile I see him sleeping – looking so relaxed, happy and calm. So perfect... So..perfect...

And then I see myself. I see what I did. I see myself talking with Camille. I see your heart broken face – I see your eyes filled with pain and anger... I want to take all this pain and anger you feel, but I know I cant I was the one who did this to you...

I am nothing compared to you. I am selfish. I am worthless. I am jealous. I am ugly. I am disgusted.

I wish so badly I could change it, I wish so badly I could make time go back... I wish I never talked with her … I wish.. I cant feel anything now – I cant feel this burning feeling any more.

I wonder if I am dead since I cant feel anything... I wonder where I am. And then I hear your voice

it is telling me to open my eyes.

Suddenly I feel so much pain... I cant deal with the pain inside me... It hurts so bad that I feel like I am breaking apart.. but how can I break even more when there is nothing left to break? I am broken apart too much that it cant be mended... I need you so badly – it hurts, but I know I cant face you after what I did... I cant do that. I cant face your hurt look, look I know so well. Look I kept seeing since you left – since I broke everything... Since I betrayed you... I feel like I am shattered beyond breaking, because I can feel your arms so familiar and so close to me holding me. I can feel somehow something wet dripping down my cheeks – you are crying... Since I cant feel like I am crying.. maybe there is no tears left? I try to open my eyes and beg you for forgiveness I need so much...even when I know I should never be forgives, I still hope... I just want to see your beautiful cat slit eyes – see your face.. I don't care about anything at all. I need to see you so badly... but I cant open my eyes no matter how hard I try – I feel like I am prisoned in my own body – allowed to feel, but not allowed to move... allowed to break, but not allowed to heal.. I need to see your face. I need to see you so much... it is ripping my heart what is left of it even more... I feel myself start to shake and I cant stop it – I feel your arms holding me even closer.. I try to inhale your scent , but I cant move closer.. I simply stay still and numb in your hands – even when I want so badly to hug you back to inhale your scent...

I am panicking inside even when I know I am completely still outside.

Please...

Please let me see him once more, I don't care what will happen next. I don't care if I die, I just need to see him so much... at least for last time... I need ask him for forgiveness... I know he is worth much better than me – I am nothing compared to him... I only hurt people I love, but I need to hear his voice – to see his face I love so much...

I feel like this is it – I am never going to see him again, but then suddenly I can feel lips – lips I longed for so long against mine... I feel like something inside me awakes – maybe it is hope? Hope.. I can feel it struggling to be free, maybe … maybe you still love me... maybe... maybe I.. I can... beg you for letting my take chance to fix everything I broke.

I try once again to open my eyes and by some miracle I can... I feel tears now falling down my cheeks and I feel your tears falling from your beautiful face.. my broken heart aches towards you.. so much. But something in my eyes tells me you still love me... Tells me you forgiven me – tells me you missed me. Your beautiful eyes tells me everything I need to know to set hope free.. to create bridge towards you... but I don't want to see you cry.. I don't want to see you hurt...

"Please...Don't cry when the sun is gone, because the tears won't let you see the stars..."

I wonder why my voice sounded different.. more deep and strong..

But..

I know I should have said something else... but my mind at same time is so dull even when it feels more alive than before. But something in your faces changes... Your eyes that just moment ago were filled with hope now are cold – sad – broken and even angry I want to ask to do anything, but you suddenly drop my body like it is poison, I feel myself hitting cold ground – I can feel dull pain, but I don't care. I want to beg you to stay … but I cant stand up even when I try. I try again I need ask why... why there was hope in your eyes along with love... why somehow I scramble to my feet even when I feel like I might fall any moment, I try to reach my hands towards you, but you slap it away like it is something disgusting... you turn around and start to run. I try to call your name, but sob suddenly makes me choke, tears start to fall freely down my cheeks... I … I need you... Please don't go I want to shout, but you are so far away...my sobs become more and more heartbroken until I feel like everything inside me is gone.. this time for true... I feel my knees start to buckle and I fall down to cold ground once again, this time I am not trying to stand up... I let tears run free... I wish now I could feel this burning sensation again, so it would take me away...

I want to shout out so much to you why why WHY there was hope in your eyes...

Why...

I never realized life could hurt so much...but now I can feel all – I can feel this pain.. and I know it is all my fault...

I grabbed hope I should never hoped for...

I know now I should not deserve anything anything at all...but I grabbed hope... Hope that was never there.

I feel like I am drowning in sorrow and pain.. I need you so much... why … why did you wake me up? Why you didn't let my slip away...

Probably you saw me when I opened my eyes you saw who I truly am...

I'm a failure, I'm stupid, I'm pathetic, I'm worthless...

I only hurt people... I love.

Realization sinks in me making everything in my shatter and collapse like sand castle.

It is my fault Max is gone. Is my fault Izzy got hurt. It is my fault for mothers and fathers tears, it is my fault Jace often got hurt in hunts same as Izzy because I was to pathetic … I could never kill demon.. it is my fault people I loved got hurt...It Is my fault …. It is my fault Magnus man I love so much even when I know I am not worth got hurt.. It is my fault..

My fault.

My fault.

My fault.

MY FAULT.

I am better off somewhere where people I care would never get hurt because of me..

I am not good at anything.

Suddenly I'm too tired of this life because I know I only hurt people I love...

I feel my tears sliding down my cheeks and I feel pathetic...I am worthless...

But then I suddenly feel dull sensation filling every cell in my body , numbing all the pain. I let this sensation take me away...

Finally... there is peace in my soul  
To lie dead without a concern, without a tear,  
You own my heart – even when I was the one who destroyed everything... I know you are better without me. You are worth so much better..  
And life without you is so immensely painful – and it is all my fault  
Just to think of you, talk about you, dream of you makes tears stream down  
my face – and it is my fault I destroyed everything we had...  
I cannot imagine happiness without your beautiful smile, your angelic face, - and I was the one who took it away..  
your wonderful body and your good heart – and it is my fault I can never feel you again...  
You are everything, I am nothing  
I want to die  
But really... I am already dead – I feel my mind becoming blank... maybe my prayer is answered?

Maybe I can go and stop hurting.. everyone I love...

I feel myself slipping away...

But I cant stop saying words I know you will never hear..

"Magnus, I love you..."

I feel darkness and emptiness surrounding me – even when something inside of my is trying to fight it – I just ignore it... I feel pathetic tears falling down my cheeks soaking cold ground...

I know I am better of... I know … he is worth so much better than me...

I am nothing... I am pathetic...

But I can stop myself imagining his beautiful face once again...

I am sorry...


	14. Pandemonium (Jace it cant be)

18 years passed since I was to late to save my other half of soul.

18 years have passed since the spell. Spell that stopped me and others age for 20 years... 20 years.. and 18 years already passed...We all hoped that there was enough time.. enough time to.. to wait for him... We all hoped Alec would somehow appear back – we all did.

But days go by, we know the sacrifices we pay. We all know. Only two years left and well all age and catch up to our real appearance in about week or couple days.

We all know that we are going to lose half of your life's just waiting.

Life wasting away, but we all waited. Sometimes I feel like I have lost the battle of waiting, I feel like I am deserted even when I am around ones that loves me. I feel like all my strength and determination is flying away – away somewhere I could never reach again, once I lose it. People tried to tell me – to tell us that nothing is constant and permanent in this world in this pathetic world I hate so much now.

But I still cant get it – I still cant give up. Even when sometimes it feels that we all just wasting our life's away – something Alec would never wanted us to do.

But I know I cant do it... I cant give up. I know only Magnus probably understands me and well most likely Izzy, but probably just me and Magnus knows how it feels wake up every day knowing there will be empty space where heart should be. And it is only getting bigger and bigger with time. Right now I only feel emptiness. I never thought it would hurt so much and destroy me so much. There is not even enough of anger left in me like before. All these years have eaten it away – leaving me just like a shell empty and cold.

I pretend for everyone I am still strong – still full with hope. Even when I question it so many times – is there really hope? Hope of my parabatai, my brother, my half of soul getting back? Or all of us are just grabbing hope that doesn't even exist? Sometimes it feels like all hope that is left in my is on fire – slowly burning away... Taking even more of me away.. but I try, Angel I try so hard to grab it – hold it tight in iron grip.

But it is so hard... I never thought I cared about my parabatai this much.. I know I was not nicest person to him – with my jokes and teasing about his relationship with Magnus, but I always cared about him, but I never thought I cared this much... There is not even one day that I don't think of him just for a second at least – I cant stop myself, how could I stop when there is empty hole in my soul? When I can feel only broken parabatai connection? When sometimes I dream he is fine and we are back to normal and just fighting demons, eating at Takis and doing stuff like we usually do, but then I wake up and I realize it was only just a dream.. When pictures and memories of my parabatai lying on cold ground – eyes lifeless staring at my – like asking me "why? Why did this happen?" like asking me for help.. I should have been there with him – I.. I should have... that's why I was Alec's parabatai – so we had each others backs... but I was not there...

Sometimes I wonder how this can be true, sometimes I feel like I am sleeping.. but no matter how hard it is – I know it is true.. it is not dream, but reality I try to run away sometimes. I cant fight demons and do my job as shadow hunter any more the way I did before, because I always turn around in fight and look for him. only to realize that he is not there...it like slap over and over again until I am to tired to fight until I feel claws sinking into my skin , then I feel like I snap out of it and just do – do what I can which is survive... I cant count how many times in all these years Magnus had to heal me – how many times Clary screamed at my for being idiot and almost getting myself killed. But what can I do? I need my other half of soul to be Jace I was before.

Even when it has been 18 years, 18 painful years just thought of him makes me cry.

I try never think of my parabatai when I am around with others. I know Izzy, Clary even Simon needs my strength – even when there is only a little in my left. I pretend I am strong... Only Magnus knows there is not much of strength left in my – there was times Magnus would walk in finding my crying like baby, with tears running down my cheeks and snot running from my nose. But he never said anything just gave me tissue or something he snapped. And left room, I was always glad he did, because at those times I only wanted to be alone.

It is funny how guy I never really liked became someone I trusted now and someone I called my really good friend. Angel, I would have never dreamed about Magnus and me becoming friends. But look where I am... now. Sometimes when I feel like everything has been just taken away from my again, like hope I kept holding all these years were slowly slipping away, I would think that I never even had a chance to say good bye – which would lead me into bigger mess of sobbing.

There would be times where I would sneak in back to Institute without anyone noticing me and going to Alec's room, just sitting on his bed, or on ground depended how long my legs would carry me.

There was time when other shadow hunters and even Robert with Maryase (_a/n i cant spell alec`s mothers name since well i dont any mt book near me :( so sorry D:)_ wanted to clean out Alec's room take everything out and throw away.. I still don't get how cold hearted they were... but in the end I didn't let them do it with argument that probably was heard all way to Brooklyn I made sure my parabatai room was just the way, before he left day before he...

day before I was ripped into shreds.

I would sit in his room – inhale his familiar scent, I always knew.

I would then remember times we have spent – training, fighting, arguing.

And times that I was mean and arrogant, I wish now so badly I could say sorry for all things I did, that hurt him, even when Alec would let it slide it away.

But in the end Alec was my brother, like no other. I loved him like no other, after all we were even closer than brothers. I know what way I love Clary, but I also loved Alec like no other, he was my family in the end. Connected with connection that was not meant to be broken.

There is so many things I wish I could say to him. Alec was my guide to help me see that world was not just cruel place, when I just walked in first time into Institute I knew you cared about my even when I was brat and pain in ass. I wish so badly could say sorry,  
probably how much I want to say sorry helps me to still believe that he might get back to us.  
I know I would take his place, without thought if it meant he was here with Magnus, Izzy, Clary and even Simon.

But at same time I would not, I would never let Alec feel pain I feel now. I wonder if it is same feeling he felt for a couple seconds when I was stabbed..

But today is the day once again where I feel all hope slipping away, even when I am sitting at Pandemonium with others while Magnus ran out after that warlock that apparently lost control over his magic, somehow saying that young male warlock for couple seconds made my think it was my parabatai, because of same skin tone and black hair, but well I was wrong.

Hope plays a wicked game with the mind, huh?

And saying how panicked and fear filled face that warlock was made me think of Alec.

When I saw that I know now his name Gideon... even same name as Alec's middle name.. ran out for some reason I said

"Because once we didn't listen to someone we care about and that person ended up hurt, dude you don't need to worry about us hurting your friend. He just looked not fine that's all.."

Because somehow I felt like this Gideon was hurt and lost somehow like Alec was probably and well... I felt like... don't know.. he should be more looked about from his friends? That Ash guy.

And when Magnus ran out I felt even more broken, for some reason it reminded me of time we both ran to Alec – even when it the end we were to late.

So now I am here sitting at table – trying not to cry, trying to pretend I am at least fine.

I remember how I found old documents in Institute and there was files about two shadow hunters James Castair and Will Henoralde.

And how Jem apparently died at age of 19 or 18 since it was such an old piece of paper it was hard to read, and apparently Will and Jem were parabtai I wonder if Will felt same way I do now...

Like half of soul has been ripped away from my and lost to me..

I wonder...-

Suddenly burning pain shots my straight up knocking glass of water on table. Clary and others look at my with slightly worried and confused looks.

I feel this burning pain once again, and.. no no it cant be.. it cant. Be. No. It is not possible. It cant be, Angel it cant be...

My parabtai rune is glowing bright – but not bright red like it did when Alec.. died.

It is glowing bright light between golden and white, that even hurt my eyes to look at.

It is glowing color that only means –

Alec is somewhere.

Somewhere ...

alive.


	15. Important AN

**Sorry all who thought this was new chapter. I am really sorry for not updating these past days even weeks , it is just some major events are happening in my life, not good ones sadly. **

**Well I have been diagnosed having Depression problems, so ugh I have to take these Anti-Depressant Medication for Depression or whatever my doc said... so yea, and basically my family is almost sick of me and shit like that, so sorry guys - I will try to update as much as I can, but it might take time, since I think I am going down hill where I was couple years ago.  
**

**I hope if you like this story well you will keep an eye on it and not drop it, I promise I will try to update soon, since right now there is nothing to do for me anyway since I am being *hawk* watched mostly all the time.  
**

**Sorry once again.  
**

**I am sorry for being so pathetic right now again.  
**

**Take care guys and well till next time I hope.  
**

**Dolfija - Aikarri  
**

**29/10/2012  
**


	16. Chapter 16

**So I'm back sort of now, and sorry for such an long absence... Was it like months? Or something since last time I updated this. Well anyway... I hope to be able to finish this story in couple weeks time, because right now I am working my ass off with stuff in real life, work - college stuff - home situations and other crap. But I wont bore anyone with my rambling. Back on main topic.**

**Recap on last chapter because this one might be a little different and might confuse some of you. Heck it confused me... so feel free to get confused and leave comments like "Dude, wtf?" In last chapter Jace realized that Alec indeed is alive, somewhere because:**

_**"**__**I feel this burning pain once again, and.. no no it cant be.. it cant. Be. No. It is not possible. It cant be, Angel it cant be...**_

_**My parabtai rune is glowing bright – but not bright red like it did when Alec.. died.**_

_**It is glowing bright light between golden and white, that even hurt my eyes to look at.**_

_**It is glowing color that only means –**_

_**Alec is somewhere.**_

_**Somewhere ...**_

_**alive."**_

**Well this chapter is going a little bit ahead, just simply because I didn't know what to write before. So basic facts. (Which are also going to be included in story) Gideon agreed to help Shadowhunter's to catch someone "But that's for later... not needed information now" Gideon and Magnus didn't really talk without arguing if there was opportunity, because of what happened in chapter 12&13, but Gideon doesn't know that and has different reasons why Magnus might not like him. Everything starts from the point where other's in Institute e.g. Jace, Clary... request Gideon to perform some ritual or something to make themselves sure he is suitable. Above shadowhunter's don't really like Gideon... because without really thinking they all know how in some ways he is similar to Alec (duh..) Ash and Gideon have connection which you all might understand after reading following chapters and it will explain more in flashbacks also in following chapters. So for now just try to get around this and well I hope anyone who is reading wont get to much confused (which is kinda what I hope will happen... at least for now, because there is many different twists and turns to come...) Some day I might write chapters and add them before this chapter to make things more clear, but most likely it wont happen because I already have almost finished all story. (Which to be honest I had done weeks back, but had forgotten about it since today I stumbled upon folder that stored all my stories while looking for something) Furthermore if any of you get really lost and confused please feel free to ask me questions or anything and I will try to help as much as possible without revealing all the story xD That's all for now...**

**Let's roll**

* * *

It was quiet. No sound penetrated from outside, not even a siren or the hum of traffic. Only birds cries and the scurrying of animals disturbed the silence. Gideon squinted trying to see through the trees quartering the whole area, searching for Magnus. Funereal scrubs like yew and box had grown to twenty, thirty feet. Self-seeded saplings were now forest high. Brambles rampaged everywhere swamping the stone monuments. Blackened by time, greened by slime, tombs showed as just lumps, humps in sea of ivy. Square chambers had collapsed in on themselves, vandalized, destroyed by neglect and time, huge stone slabs cast aside, cracked open wide to expose black interiors. Stone angels massive wings chipped or missing rose to gaze blindly, snapped fingers pointing up at the sky. Gideon was wondering why did Magnus choose from all the places this abandoned as it did look like.

And it brought back what Ash had told him from the day he ran out of Pandemonium. For some reason...

It was weird to be honest since there was this empty block in his mind from that day that Gideon was not able to remember like it was erased some sort way, all he remembers is collapsing to cold pavement after running out of Pandemonium and that's all. From what Ash told him, he was founded by others and brought to their meeting place while being out cold. But for some reason Magnus had avoided him in all the ways and have been somehow been mean towards him like he had done something to him, which confused Gideon since he didn't know Magnus at all because all the time they bumped into each other if would end up with both of them pissed off and ready to kill each other, in some way, but still Gideon felt like he did know Magnus, but that was something he was not going to share, with anyone.

Maybe Magnus didn't like him because apparently he was no longer suitable to work with shadow hunters alone...

"Hey! G, are you even listening to me rambling here?"

"O..OH! No, no sorry was just.. thinking"

"Are you fine? Or this is feeling wrong? I mean this place gives me creeps and that is well.. not something that happens to me often.."

"No-no its nothing I was just well.. yea I am kind of freaked out, but there is nothing we can do about this like."

But I was worried and all this place gave me creeps, and not just all this, but Magnus and others itself that I met, I felt like they all hated me for some reason, and it made me feel pain inside my chest, even thought they were people I met first time in my life and would most likely forget about in couple of years since it was not like I was going to work with them forever and it was not like … well it was not like they could live forever, well that vampire Simon if I remember his name correctly was going to live forever if someone doesn't make him into pile of ash, but it was not like I was going to be friends with him or something... but thinking about others Isabella, Jace and Clary made my feel sad somehow knowing they would die someday which was something new to me once again, feel sadness over humans life. Since humans live and die it was their cycle of life, then why did he feel stabbing pain?

"Gideon! Stop spacing out, jeez I feel like I am talking with brick wall."

"Sorry I keep spacing out much do I? Is just confusing all of this and besides I think I just stood into dogs crap..."

Ash was laughing his ass off which was totally not something I wanted to hear right now, my shoes were ruined and they were my second pair of shoes I loved. Fuck, this day was against me... like all this week.

"HEY! IT IS NOT FUNNY!"

"Sorry, sorry it is just... your face expression.. was just priceless damn me for not bringing my phone with me."

"You know I could make something like cow appear right now in the sky and make it shit on your head with single snap, well snap would not be needed maybe blink?"

"I know. But you wouldn't"Ash smiled and I smiled back, indeed I would never do something like this to my best friend and besides he was always there for me and having my back at hard times, and never once he betrayed me even when sometimes I intend to be an ass. His friendship was priceless and something I treasured deeply.

"That my friend is true, that is true."

"Of course it is, one for one and all for one? Or something along those lines..."

"Dude, you watch to much TV"

"Same goes for you, and besides I should get prize gloomy look on your face is finally lifted for time being I succeeded as human no wait I shall recall as half demon being"

"You so fail at being poetic, I shall say this mister. And you are hundred of times better than human.."

"Same goes for you G. Now lets face this whatever we are getting ourselves into with heads high, nothing can beat us two. We shall sparkle well you shall and I shall … do something not so sparkly? But seriously you are dressed dramatically plain today..."

Well I was.. wearing not my usual clothes, but instead plain black jeans, boots which thank Lilith were not ruined apparently it was only mud, but that's not something I am going to tell Ash cause he already thinks sometimes that I am diva, which is half true. Grey zip up jumper and red t-shirt. I felt like whatever today was going to happen I would better be more simple and more "home" like myself. After all I was feeling like this simple look still made me look well.

"Yea, felt like it and you are looking once in life almost same as me"  
"Yep, I so do. And you didn't use glamour this time didn't you"  
"No, there is no point they know who I am. And it is not likely some mundane would happily take a walk in this place just look at it, if I was mundane I would avoid this as much as I can, and it is not like we cant handle one stupid mundane even if he or she decided to take a walk which would be in middle of night and besides you my best friend and as it turned out body guard that has been sent from hell or somewhere along there should protect me from this"  
"Yes, sir" Ash tried to salute but epically failed if not me catching his hand before he face planted muddy ground, which would have been epic...

"Thanks it looks like I am not so graceful yet"  
"No problem. And you have been truly awakened just couple days ago, don't worry soon enough you will be strong as Hades himself, but in good way, and not I-shall-burn-you-to-toast way. And for time being I have your back and you have mine like..."  
"Like always, but I still don't get what I have to protect you from..."  
"We will see with time, but for now lets not worry about something we don't know, lets worry about something we already know which is..."  
"Dammed ritual you are going have to perform today, to make them finally believe you could kick theirs asses with your eyes shut?"  
"At first stop reading my mind.. its private place damn..."  
"Sorry, sorry I cant help it besides I can only hear thoughts you let me hear nothing more, nothing less."  
"Sorry..."  
"No need, Um Gideon you know what you are going to perform? What ritual?"  
"No, not yet... I am not sure I can even do it, you know me and magic voodo-boodooo stuff, always fails when I need it... I am worst warlock ever probably in history or something"

"Don't worry. I know you can do it. Have some faith in yourself."

There is no money and anything else in the universe to compensate Ash for being there for me and for everything he has done, even before finding out about this body guard thing, he was always protecting me from first time we met back when we were kids sometimes I wonder why I am so lucky to have friend like him, I am sure I would probably die together with him, if he died which is bitter-sweet for me to say. Or no... Magnus...why does his name bring so many confusing emotions, why I feel like there is something I have to tell him? Something I have to show him, Lilith he hates me... As it feels like, then why do I feel this way about someone I don't know? Why I don't feel same way towards him as I do towards people I don't know... Why it is stronger than feelings I have towards Ash it is not love, it is more like brother like feeling, then why do I feel this special way towards him? Why Magnus? Of all the people... I control my destiny and life and nothing controls me, but why I feel like he Magnus could? Why?

And besides everything where the hell is he and others?

" Ash, sorry for sounding lame as whining child, but are we there yet? Not that I know where there is since they told me to use my senses like the fuck that is meant? It is not like I am dog that can sniff way out.."

"We are near"  
"How can you know?"  
"I just do"

"Ahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" I signed.

Ash eyes flashed deep toxic like green. It was only one thing I knew about Ash demonic form or half being demon or WHATEVER it was confusing... nothing else I have never seen him in true form only glimpse of his eyes lets me know that he is not human being, I understood it from first time we met, but back then I kept silent since I knew he would tell me about it when he felt like it.

"We are here"

I stumbled and walked into Ash's back, I could feel his muscles tense beneath his sweater and ready to run, attack do anything I was not sure and I was sure I didn't want to know. I turned my head around and took step to stand beside him there was nothing special about place we were facing like everything in this run down cemetery.

"I see you finally made it and we thought you got lost, and who is this?" It was Magnus his voice made shiver go down my spine and heart beat instantly faster, but his cold tone also made my shiver not in a good way...

"I am Ash that's all you need to know for know. And I know who you are and other 4 of you in shadows so stop hiding. And don't bother asking who I am."

"Oh so your friend Gideon was to scared to walk in dark?"  
"I...-" Why did I have to face this anti liking of people I didn't know? Why did they hate me like this... My heart was beating to fast I felt slightly dizzy, but...

"Vampire I am not scared to make pile of ash of you, so watch your tongue."  
"Ha, you?"

"OK, lets get to business I don't have time to waste with this kid bitchiness around. Gideon as we agreed you are going to show some ritual or anything to prove you can help us and Institute since you are barely full grown up warlock now, we have to make sure this is suitable for you. And don't mind these two idiots, OK?"

"Izzy..."  
"Let him prove he is worth this, and if not well he might as well leave and go where he came from we don't need this bitchiness from your Simon and Magnus."

Well at least someone was on my side. Or at least not in I-hate-your-guts-dont-know-why side.

"Well you know what you are going to do?"

I didn't have a clue, sadly there was nothing I could do or I felt like it, I was sure Magnus could make me flying pixie if he wanted to with one blink, this was wrong idea I accepted.. I should... I felt arm on my shoulder, without looking I knew it was Ash it was something only me and him had as body guard and me somehow master or that's what Tessa told us. It was bond between us, which I was thankful now.

"_Don `t worry, everything will be fine, G"_

"_Thanks Ash"_

Well another bonus we could communicate in our minds even thought we were not really good at it yet like many other things like sharing thoughts we wanted to and stuff like it.

"Yes, I know, but can I just have couple minutes, please?"

"Sure" This time it was golden haired boy that somehow was neutral towards me, for now. I never noticed how he and Clary was sitting near on tombstone.

"Thank you"

All I got nod but that was enough for me. I took couple steps back and I knew Ash was following me. In tree line I stopped and waited until he was standing in front of me.

"I wonder why some of them hate me for no reason..."  
"You want to leave?"  
"No, no I will stay I feel like I should, and besides Tessa would skin us alive"  
"Yea, old good Tessa.." Ash grinned.

"And she would skin you if she heard you calling her old"

No matter what somehow we both found way to lift each others moods. Well not for long this time, but..

"So do you know what you are going to do and you are hiding it from me, or you were making it up?"  
"I do and I don't I just got this now, don't know from where and why..."  
"And it is?"  
"Well knowing from tragedy I heard followed their family I thought..."  
"I don't like where this is getting. I don't like it at all"

"Well..."  
"Are you seriously going to do what I think you are going to do? Are you insane?!"

"Yes, it looks like I am insane."  
_"I am going to summon spirits of dead from other side, they all missed"_


	17. Chapter 17

**Previously:**

_**"Yes, it looks like I am insane."**_  
_**"I am going to summon spirits of dead from other side, they all missed"**_

* * *

" Are you really insane?"  
"You already asked me that, and I said I am probably"  
"Why something like this? I mean you never tried it"  
"I know I just feel like this is what I should do, and somehow I feel like this is right thing to do, don't ask how I just do trust me in this, OK?"

"I eh... fine I will, but if something is wrong or I feel like something is not right I am going to destroy circle and drag your ass out of there, no matter what they might say or do, got it?"  
"Yes, thank you."

We walked back, but when there was couple steps left to reach circle I knew I was going to create _ stood back and watched, I was sure his eyes were glistering toxic green from time to time, but there was nothing I could have done about it I just hoped nobody here would notice and pay much attention. I was calm. I remembered Tessa's and Ash's words that I can do anything and that I can control my magic if I have faith in myself and this time I knew I was going be able to do this even when I didn't know how I knew it I just did.

"I am ready"  
"If you say so" said Clary.

"Good luck" thumbs up showed Izzy even when others in her group give her cold glares.

"Just could you all please stand where Ash stands I need space for this"

Everyone did as I asked, phew. For once. I took deep breath and somehow my eyes found Magnus and for a split second there was hope in his eyes, hope that I captured with my eyes and held close to hearth, I had to do this for him... I had to. I...

Sudden stabbing pain stabbed my head, like thousand nails being hammered into head. While hot iron was poured over it. Everything went black there was so much pain and agony was ripping me apart, I screamed for it to stop I screamed for Ash to destroy circle. I screamed for Magnus... I don't know why, but my lips were sealed shut, I couldn't see anything nor hear anything else but rapid beating of my heart. Like it wanted to explode from my chest. Everything was blurry I felt like I was drowning in agony, but I felt like I was out of my body... As it happened it stopped suddenly.

_Forget about strangers._

_Forget. Everything._

Darkness. All I see is darkness, how long it has been, what was that voice. Why forget? I slowly open my eyes. I am standing at the edge of existence. In front of me is nothing. And nothing is behind of me. Still I feel calm pain is gone, everything is gone, just piece somehow I feel safe. No bright lights. No darkness. No energy. Just nothing.

_Oh, my dear_

_Oh, my dear_

_Oh, my dear Gideon Alexander_

Who? What? I turn around but there is nothing, nothing at all, then where is this voice coming from? Why did it call me Gideon Alexander? But still I feel calm and not scared, I feel like this voice wont hurt me. Or maybe... I am nothing myself?

Suddenly I am falling down and clocks are all around my showing different images, glimpses of something I have never seen people I don't know, but there are images, glimpses I catch that I know. Magnus and boy that looks almost like me, both of them smiling, happiness written all over their faces. I see Isabella she is talking I cant hear words but I feel like she is talking to me, but as soon I try to catch it, it slips away I am falling down, there is so many clocks around and every single of them is showing different time, different year, but same people and different at same time. I see Jace it feels like his hand is reaching towards my and he is smiling, I see Clary she is drawing something and lifting her eyes from time to time, she seems happy there is Jace beside her. I see Simon he seems serious, but then he starts to laugh he as well seems happy. Then I see Magnus once again, many different glimpses of him is slipping past me, but in all he is happy I can tell that. I try to grab it but my hands wont reach anything, but everything slips past them, like sand in wind. One second it is there and next one it is not.

_We forget how truly fragile we are, my dear._

_No matter what we are._

_Skin. Skin holds us together. It keeps blood inside. Without it, we die, my dear._

Suddenly everything changes and I am falling in darkness.

_I am not proud of the things I have done._

Images of same people but in different situation fills around me. Everything just pulses with pain and agony. Tears. Blood. I feel like I am soaked in blood, there is so much of it around. I see Magnus he is crying and at same time screaming. I see Jace blood is all around him, his eyes are empty, his smile is cruel he is holding blade – blade that is dripping with blood. He is covered himself in blood. I see Isabella she is crying, but there is blood on ground, ground she is sitting. There is thick red lines running down her pale wrists but she keeps stabbing wood, beneath her now leaving angry tears, that begins to fill with blood. I see Simon he is staring empty at the sky, there is house behind of him. Sky is crying. All over city. I see Clary she is tearing apart all her drawings throwing them around like snow flakes, that fall down in red blood she is standing.

_Everyone makes mistakes, and everyone pays for doing them, my dear._

_If you heard about my childhood, you would refuse to lay the blame on my side._

_You would see I was a victim._

_But we all know our sins ourself, don't we?_

_We all know what we did wrong and what we did not even when it might look different to other people._

_You see what they did wrong. And how they had to pay, my dear._

Voice is surrounding my, but it feels like it does not mean anything bad to me. But I cant stop these images I am falling into everything is drenched in blood and agony. Every glimpse is filled with pain. Soaked with it.

I want to stop it but I cant.

_You know I am same as you, even when you don't know that._

_I am you and you are me._

_Pretty weird right, my dear?_

_Do you know what you really are?_

_What we are? What I am and you are?_

_I know what we are._

_You might think I am not you, but I am you._

_The one you locked away._

_Want to know what I am? What you are?_

_I know it is hard to understand, my dear._

_But listen closely because someday I am going to be you and you are going to be me._

_You know you cant lock me forever._

_You listen now, my dear?_

_I am your deepest fear and I am you_

_I live for pray and hunt_

_I crave the surprise look on their face, the dulling of the corneas as I bring weapon down and slash their throat._

_I love to hear how they greedily suck the final breath._

_And its you, you know._

_We are the same._

_And you locked my away._

_But you cant lock yourself._

_Not forever._

_But we both crave same feeling. Same sweet sticky flavour of revenge._

_You know, we both enjoyed sweet feeling of killing that little bitch, but you my dear did mistake. _

_You felt sorry for her. You didn't listen, my dear._

_And you paid the price, while locking my here._

_You think you have soul? Or something?_

_Well sadly my dear._

_Scratch that. We don't have soul. _

_It is gone. _

_We lost it long time ago._

_But you know we might find it, someday._

_If you set me free._

…

This time I scream, I cant understand this.

Everything is to confusing, everything is spinning around my, and it is drenched in pain, blood and agony there is no way out. I am stuck here forever. I don't understand voice, I don't understand it I don't, I don't, I don't. I grip my hair with hands and clench it while trying to block voice away, but I cant it is hammered, drilled in my skull. I don't know what I am, I don't know why I see these images, why I see people I never met before, but just couple days before...

_My, my you cant block yourself_

_Open your eyes and see who you really are, my dear_

_See what we are._

…

I scream till my lungs ache and I am out of breath, and falling stops I hit ground and sink to my knees I look down and I am sinking in darkness. There is bones underneath me and screams of lost souls. I lift my head up and I see him, I see myself... I see him and I see myself we are the same I am me and he is me. And we both are covered in blood, but his eyes shine with hatred and anger even when it is filled with lust towards revenge. And I see myself, I have same look in my eyes.

But I look again he does not have same eyes as me, they are normal even human like. I look even close he is slightly taller and strong built, but we have same skin, same hair, same lips, we are same... I scream once again because I feel something is grabbing my leg and dragging me even faster down. I hear screams of dead, their agony filled voices. They scream my name... and his name. I scream again and reach my hand towards sky or light I wish there was, I feel cold arm around my neck dragging me down, tears are streaming down my cheeks, but finally I see light I scream louder for it, and small pale hand appears reaching towards me. It it is boy he has same hair as me same skin, but thick black glasses are on his nose, which would make someone else look stupid, but it doesn't make this boy look stupid. I feel safe when he takes my hand in his. I can no longer feel cold arms around my neck or hear agony filled voices.

_You wont be able run away from me forever! You hear me!_

_You cant run from yourself!_

But hand that holds me grips tighter and voice disappears. Everything disappears, and I feel safe.

_Don t be scared, brother. I am here for you, like you always were. That's why family is there, from the start right? I wont ever leave you,, even when it might look like I am not there I will always be by your side. I have your back, you have mine. One for one and all for one.. or something like it, right?_

"_Max.."_

I am crying but this time from happiness, I hug my little brother closer, and his eyes for a moment shines bright toxic green. Huge white wings appears from Max's back and closes around them.

_Brother, you have another chance, because you are worth it. Please accept it even when it might be rough path towards your happiness. And now I have to show something, but please forgive me it is for your own happiness._

"_I..."_

Everything disappears and suddenly I am standing on hill, there is darkness all around. I cant see anything.

_Brother, remember I am always with you..._

"_MAX! Don't leave me! Please..!_

But I no longer can hear his voice, and I fall to my knees, while sobbing. I cant stop crying, I feel like my heart has been ripped out from my chest and I am plunged into cold darkness.

_Why are you crying, boy? You have second chance and not many people get a chance like you got._

I lift my head there is man standing in front of me. He has deep blue eyes, and is dressed in some sort of deep purple robe, he lifts his arm and scythe appears from his arm. I scramble backwards until my back hits something, but I am scared to turn around and see what it is.

_Don t be scared. I wont hurt you, because I am the one that gave you second chance._

"_Who are you?" _

_I am Life._

"_I don't understand. You cant be! I don't understand. Anything anymore. How can you be life? My life was taken away from me! How can you be life and tell me this? How can you!"_

_I am Life, and I gave you second chance don't you dare to doubt my words, boy. I can take it away right now and throw you back from where your brother got you. Do you want to go back there?_

Only remembering that place made my shiver. Those eyes...

"_No-n-o...I don't. Sorry. Sorry, just don't send me back there please, I beg you"_

_I wont. I see you understood your mistake. So ask me question one you truly wish to know answer to._

"_Who. I... am?"_

_You are not warlock, you are not mundane nor vampire or any kind of downworlder and you are not shadowhunter half angel half mundane either... _

"_The who. I.. I am?"_

_You are the Death._


	18. Chapter 18

**I will try to fix errors and everything later. Right now I am uploading everything I have because my laptop is getting wiped clean and god knows where is my memory card/stick whatever so yea... also if you see - it means I had to included Ash`s name =-="**

* * *

Meanwhile in graveyard.

Circle appeared around Gideon and it was glowing deep blue flame. Gideon himself was two feet from the ground floating in the air, while sky cleared and moon light came through making everything around look ghostly white. Ash opened his eyes and saw his friend floating in air while blue flame danced around he never noticed when he blacked out and collapsed, but everyone else standing around did, while their mouths were gaping open, Magnus after while realised what spell was used and was in shock because nobody ever tried such a thing since it required some sort of connection from a person that cast spell to people that were being summoned. And he did not understand what was really going on. He helped everyone to get back on their feet after they all got knocked down by gust of wind coming from circle.

Noticing distress and pain in his friends and masters face Ash tried to break circle but ended up being knocked backwards, and slamming into Isabella that was getting to her feet. They both feel, but soon stood up. While helping each other. Everyone was speechless towards what was happening.

Back to Gideon

I felt like ground was suddenly taken away from underneath me.

"_How... I.. what? I NO! NO! It cant be!"_

_It is, boy. I gave you this chance. Life has been taken away from you by Death. So now Death paid its price, everything has to be paid back, everything that has been done wrongly. And Death paid it. Now you are Death and you cant be killed, since you cant kill Death. _

"_But how? Do I live? I don't understand how can I be Death?!"_

Well you will live in a way, but you also be targeted so don't let people manipulate you, but you are not alone. In other words you are also gate for dead to other side, that's why you were able to perform that ritual at first place, because dead is at your side you control it.

"_I..."_

_Don't get confused and don't think about it, just know only real love will save you from other you. Only love will save you from destruction. Don't let anyone use you because in wrong hands other you might break free and we don't want that don't we?_

"_But who it … I mean who I am? Other … me?"_

_Every single things has two sides. Like coin. Dark and light. Good and bad. Same is Death. It has two sides you are Light and he is Dark. He is everything in category of destruction. And you are gate for souls that has come to their end and needs to find a way to other side._

"_Does that mean you have something like me as well?.."_

_Yes. We all have, not just you and me, but everyone. You saw it didn't you? Everyone has something they want to lock. But we are just lucky ones that were able to lock them._

_At last you are not what they think you are. You just absorb powers of those who die, that's why you can be called warlock , faery or even a little bit shadowhunter. But that's something you should keep to yourself, and only tell to one you trust the most._

"_But my soul..."_

_Your soul is there in your heart, only now you are truly free, only now you are fully awake._

"_When I wake up I wont remember any of this?"_

_Sadly you wont, but there will be time when you will. Until then you have to work towards it._

"_But how can I if I cant remember? HOW?! All I want is to be with him... to be with Magnus..."_

_Don't cry, Gideon Alexander. You already are starting to remember, but only Magnus can help you to be like this. _

"_But he hates me..."_

True love removes all walls, destroys all lies and hatred. And it is time for you to return, and I shall make at least something to you to make everything a little bit easier...

"_What do you … mean?"_

_You will see now, go back where you are needed Alexander._


	19. Chapter 19

**I think somewhere along those lines I called seelie queen - that pixie queen or something... o_-0" Don't ask why please cause I don't have a clue xD**

* * *

**M**eanwhile in graveyard.

There was big bright burst of light that covered everyone and everything. Lighting pierced the sky and thunder shook the ground, then blast of light went straight to the floating in the air Gideon, but it bounced back while one small figure appeared. Nobody noticed how Ash collapsed once again. Without a sound.

"Max?" Isabella and Jace ran towards their little brother with tears in theirs eyes while Clary and Simon were looking around. Magnus was standing more further away, it seemed like he was in shock some sort because he wasn't moving nor looking.

"Max is that really you?" MAX!" Jace and Izzy held little boy together in hug while Max hugged them back but then told them to set him down he had something to say. Just then Jace and Izzy noticed that there was one person missing they both of them missed deeply.

"Max, where...where is A-Alec?" Izzy`s voice shook only by saying her older brothers name and Jace was no longer able to hide tears and clench his parabatai rune.

"Max?"

"Sorry, Izzy and Jace, but I cant tell you that"

Izzy fell to her knees and sobbed, she longer for her older brothers touch so much, she had missed Max but it was so long ago and Alec in the end was more closer to her than Max even when it sounded to harsh.

Max saw Magnus looking around with pained expression and tears running down his cheeks, so he walked towards older warlock and smiled, when he reached him.

"Max, please.. tell me where is Alec, please..."

"Magnus, Alec is closer than you think. Try to love again... That's all I can say sorry, but I have to go now."

"Max!" This time it was Jace "Max my parabatai.. rune it.. it was burning couple days ago, does-d-oes it m—emean A-Alec is a-alive?"

"Jace, Alec is closer than you think.. much much closer"  
"Max, please! TELL ME!"

"I cant. I have to go. Bye Izzy, Jace, Magnus. Bye Simon and Clary also."

With burst of light Max disappeared, but something else appeared. Izzy`s eyes found still floating in air Gideon for some reason and she saw her brother and then she saw how he disappeared in the younger boy.

And she remembered words Max said "Alec is closer than you think"

"Alec?"

* * *

**LINE BREAK TRAMPAPAPLAMPLALAMAP I DONT EVEN KNOWO_o"**

Wind died, burning circle disappeared like it was never there, only tomb angel collapse and shattered making everyone jump. Every single of them were is shock or something along those lines to move. Gideon dropped down to ground without opening his eyes and stayed that way.

Ash opened his eyes again and blinked couple times to clean his vision, then coughed he could smell burning grass. Then he noticed crumbled figure lying on ground and he felt furry build up inside his chest. But in his head he felt and just knew Gideon was fine just out cold, and nobody have done any harm to his friend. But Gideon was curled up by the time he got to his feet, looking awful and beaten and on top of that defeated so he half ran half jogged to Gideon. Gideon was pale as sheet and there was dark circles under his eyes, someone behind him stood on leaf and it made noise which made him hiss without realizing. He crouched down and lifted unconscious friend to his arms in bridge style.

Is he fine? -It was Isabella and Ash could tell she was sincerely concerned which made him lift his eyebrows.

Yes, just utterly out because of stupid thing you asked him to do he wasted all his power. - He didn't care about how he sounded because he was pissed off with them all with all this bullshit and to be honest he just wanted to crash in Gideon`s house while drinking tea Tessa always make and let his friend to recover in the bed. Because he knew after using all the magic any type of warlock only needed good nights sleep. And to take easy with magic for couple days.

"You know I can make portal if you just tell me where... - said Clary.

"No need, thanks for asking anyway."

"But it would be faster and these woods... "- Clary tried to say

"It is fine, we wont get lost, besides I am not tired I am fine with carrying him. It is not that far anyway, and also I am not in mood to deal with you lot to be honest. "

"But still..."

"Clary, let them go". - It was Magnus he had been silent all the time but now for some reason his voice shook.

"OK. Bye we are going and well don't call or do something like that for a couple weeks, or do it if you want to die. - Without words Ash turned around his heel and disappeared in trees.


	20. Chapter 20

Magnus sat down against broken tombstone and stared up at the sky. All the familiar constellations were still there – the same as they'd been after first time he used magic hundreds of years ago, and then at the time he found his mother. The night sky's patterns always remained predictable, no matter how much everything changed and no matter how much everything pained him. At times in his life he'd found this soothing and at other times infuriating, angry, sad all those feelings mixed up. Now he just felt numb cold as starlight that was shinning in nights sky, they were not even one step closer to finding answers, none of them. Magnus though this whatever happened might clear some fog from their path and show some kind of answers, but all it did made him more lost. Max's words kept repeating in his mind "Alec is closer than you think, much closer" Magnus pinched the bridge of his nose as the thoughts pummelled him. He didn't have answers. Nobody did and what Max said only confused everyone. Izzy for some reason kept silent as others asked same question each other "What the hell just happened" or questions along those lines, but none of them knew. And to be honest Magnus didn't care why Izzy was silent, just staring at the spot where Gideon was, who cared at last, and Magnus knew as day it wasn't him. It was not that he hated Gideon, he knew that, because to begin with he didn't even know him, even when there was times he thought for a split second he did, it was mostly because of what happened back then when he misunderstood Gideon over Alec, but gladly Gideon didn't remember any of it, which wasn't surprise consider condition he was in back then. Still Magnus was not able to forget that kiss, it felt like he was kissing his love and he couldn't think other way even when it was sure as day it wasn't his Alec... He snorted and blew out long sign why he couldn't sleep away the pain and wake up with his Angel beside him, why this everything was looking more and more like fake hope he was grabbing, but then why Alec was not along with Max after all he cared about Alec and missed him more than anything else, then why he was not with Max if he was … dead. At least if he did see Alec he would be able to stop everything because then he would know that his love was truly gone and that there was nothing to be done about it, but now Magnus knew he was back to the start still hoping and searching, even when there is no leads to start the search...

And Gideon, why did his eyes showed hope and love when he looked at him back before the actual ritual.. why did he feel like there was something else in younger warlock, something his heart longed, why all of this... It was just to confusing.

"Magnus, you fine?"  
"No, Simon I am fucking not, but what can you do about it, huh?"

"Well there is no need for your bitchiness, as far as I can tell."

"Fuck off"

"But that kid, Gideon I guess knows his stuff, even thought that Ash or whatever you call him, is surely not human nor something like you, even thought I don't have a clue what he has to do with Gideon and all this mess and... Max it's..."

"Clary, we know, believe me we do, it is just totally messed up, but from what... Max said Alec is somewhere alive like Seelie queen had said we just have to look, that's all we can do now..right Izzy?"

"Yea... I mean yea right I I know.." She sounded clearly off for some reason. Like in deep thought.

Everything was starting to piss Magnus off so he decided to call the day and go "home" some random hotel and sulk there, despite everything he was exhausted without single word Magnus stood up and walked anyway he didn't care if anyone noticed it or not. His mind was to busy with memories and thoughts that held no answers even when he desperately looked for them. It didn't take long for Magnus to find the place where he would stay tonight it was not that he cared either, since it was long ago he called any place his home, because home he had was locked and left for nearly 18 years now, everything was same there as before, everything happened and Magnus left it all that way.

For a few hours he'd been able to lose himself in some TV show even thought Magnus didn't pay much attention to it. White smoke was surrounding him and this morning full packet of cigarettes was almost empty now, lazy smoke was floating in air, Magnus stared at it without really looking at it, his mind was somewhere else, and he was not sure even where to be honest, it jumped from one memory to other without really letting him realise what actually he was remembering. That's rest of the day went by, even though some little voice inside of him was still dazed, bleating over and over "Alec is near. He is there somewhere waiting for you, move do something." and then for some reason he would see Gideon behind his closed eye lids and stupid voice inside his head.

Magnus mentally kicked the voice to death until it shut up.

But what if Alec somehow had something to do with Gideon? What if Gideon had to do something with Alec? This thought came to him later that night while Magnus was sitting in same spot he was before in front of TV and watching day sky change to night sky everything slowly turned into some sort of fairy land Magnus knew it was silly and stupid thought, but if he didn't pay attention to people and normal ordinary things everything was drowned into light, different ranges of light dots moving around, one shinning brighter, one duller until disappearing.

After all it was city that never slept, Magnus looked up to sky and for a moment and thought what would people do if everything stopped, would they notice beauty of life without material things. Would they see the way he saw, without technology without rushing, just taking a moment and stopping just taking deep breaths and trying to forget what is going to be next day, next month... Even when in the end all his thoughts would focus on baby blue eyes he missed and still waited despite everything. But now he didn't only see eyes he longed, he saw baby blue eyes, but one was like his, cat like pupil.

He opened his eyes and stood up barely managing not to punch wall. Magnus knew he just couldn't sit in room, he would have gone insane, he pulled on pair of shoes and headed out. He headed towards gym that was located in other side of street, it was like this sometimes, just running, punching something made him calm down and for a moment forget, and that's what Magnus needed now. He entered the reception there was barely anyone there and Magnus was not surprised since it was 22:45, but that way it was better, no need to ignore someone that tried to talk with him, he was not in mood to chat with anyone without hitting that person in the end.

He paid lady at the desk barely hearing what she said to him and grabbed towel on his way from the cabinet where they were kept, since he didn't bother to bring anything nor get anything with snap, and he was already wearing sweatpants, t-shirt and running shoes.

Magnus knew nobody would have recognised him these days heck he didn't recognise himself mostly, but this thought made image of Gideon pop in his head, since Gideon looked mostly like he did back then, even when it was more calmed down wardrobe.. Magnus gritted his teeth and went down to exercise room. Down there he did fierce pumping raps on the machines for almost hour while trying to let all his anger out onto machines, then he ran for miles on the treadmill, until the sweat something he would have hated before was streaming and his muscles felt limp. Finally when he felt like his lungs might explode he stopped, panting. He had pulled off his t-shirt as he ran and now he used it to mop his face and chest.

"Good workout?" asked an attendant.

Magnus lifted his head and stared at the guy, hardly knowing where he was for a second. Then he nodded and managed a smile somehow. "Yea."

Then he stood up. His muscles felt like water, and Magnus thought he was going to be able to get at least some of nights sleep, without any dreams he did not want to have at least tonight.

"How long have you been working out, seriously I wish I had muscles like you have." Magnus had forgotten all about attendant and turned his head with dazzled expression.

"Dude, I didn't mean anything weird by saying that..."

Trying to remember what attendant had said he answered something he thought was fine.

"No worries. Ugh... how long? Not really long -couple months, or so." Indeed he had started to do this type of thing from time to time, so now Magnus was able to say he had some muscles on himself, even thought he was not clumsy before, but he knew he looked different. Now he didn't question why shadowhunters trained so much not just because to be always in shape, but also it did take mind of certain things for a little while.

"But seriously I was watching you attack those machines, you were like possessed or something."

Magnus grinned. "No, that's everyone else, you know the ones I don't get to in time." Then draped towel on his shoulder and walked away to take a shower while leaving bewildered assistant staring after him.

After while he came back to hotel and sank back against the sofa, while staring at the ceiling. After while sleep took him away, but even in his dreams thoughts about Alec and Gideon this time didn't let him go...


	21. Chapter 21

**_BE AWARE! BE AWARE LEMON IS HERE O_o and I can't write it without feeling awkward as fack o-0 so yea that`s all don't likey likey - dont read O-O"_**

* * *

_His hand gripped my hair, holding me in place while he ravaged my lips with his mouth. I shifted slightly, trying to lesson some of the pressure against my rock hard erection. He moved at the same time, creating the most delicious friction against me. My hips bucked against him, his hand finding my cock sliding up and down, slicked by the pre-cum that had formed at the head._

_I was going to come. I knew it. I could feel it. I could feel the pressure building in my balls and knew it wouldn't be long. But he didn't stop, instead as if he could tell how close I was, he increased the speed of his hands, but his mouth slowed, sucking on my lip gently grazing it with his teeth._

I cried out and woke up, while spraying cum on my chest. I sat up, completely disoriented at my surroundings. And then I remembered dream and I could feel heat take over my entire face, probably even steam was coming out of my ears.

"Oh fuck" I threw myself back down on the bed while catching my breath and trying to work out what the hell just happened. Did I smart-mouthed, totally socially awkward around some people. Gaming guru. Anime and manga obsessed otaku. Rainbow. Epically weird taste in music person had wet dream about... about...

"OH FUCK WHAT?!" Images of Magnus frikkin Bane flooded my mind making already messy pants grow tight. I had, had dream. About. A. Man. That. Hates. My. Guts. And... and...it was dirty type of dream... What the holly mother of octopus, I slapped my forehead and blew out shaky sign. I closed my eyes and face of him was there behind my closed eye lids. I could feel myself already getting all over hot, but then I opened my eyes again and looked around I was somehow in my own room, but I couldn't remember how I got there after performing that ritual in cemetery even thought my mind was somehow cloudy over what happened there..

Then I felt somehow uncomfortable and remembered situation I was in just couple minutes ago. While blinking couple times like total dork I took off t-shirt and wiped mess around myself, while probably being red as tomato. I wonder if Tessa is in the house it would be just plain sadly hilarious if she decided to walk into my room and find me like this …

"Gideon, are you awake yet?"

Speaking of devil.

I heard knocks. Door. Knocks. Door. Tessa. Me. Door. Room. O FUCK! I scrambled and fell out of bed while face-planting ground.

"Gideon...?" Her knocking became more urgent.

"I. I AM FINE! I am coming.!" Seriously why did I said THAT? I mentally kicked myself in the head.

"You sure? You sound like your are out of breath..." No shit Sherlock I just had most ugh... dirtiest dream ever about someone that hated me. But of course I didn't say that.

"Yes! I am fine! Give me a moment I am putting clothes on I will be downstairs in a moment!"

I heard her move away from door and then climb downstairs. I let out another sign holly shit how many times I am going to sign today, I am going to look like someone who has breathing problems. Someone smack me. Damn. I signed ONCE again and closed my eyes for a moments then once again dream so "sweetly" pops in my head.

"Gideon, are you coming!?"

"YEA! Just sdfdsfsadf" I yelled loudly and mumbled in the end.

"Just what?!"

"JUST NOTHING!" Just going have to take care of boner at first but that's not something you tell your not real mother any type of mother to begin with...

"Oh fuck..."

Meanwhile in Hotel.

Magnus wakes up with scream while spraying cum on his chest. He blinks couple times totally forgetting for a moment where he is and closes his eyes while remembering dream, he sits up suddenly making sheets fall to ground. He had dream ugh more like memory of him and Alec, but why instead he saw Gideon`s face?

"Oh fuck..."

Back to Gideon O:

After taking extra cold shower which took extra long, I was half fine to face whatever was happening downstairs since I could tell Ash was there as well, but right now I was glad and would probably kiss Godzilla` s feet to thank for not letting him read my dreams, I am sure something like that should be kept between myself and well myself.

But still my head hurt slightly and my skin felt like it was crawling, but I was sure it was not because of the dream only but because I probably over did last night and used all my voodoo boodooo. In other words magic. I took my time to get myself ready which probably was not long since I couldn't be bothered with adding make up today whatsoever. Seriously there is something wrong with me... I should check my head or wait.. I know what it might be..

Since these days I was banging my head so many times against brick wall...

Really if banging head against it would burn hundred and something calories in hour, then I should be emaciated. Cause I have been banging it so hard these days that I should have a concussion by now, so no wonder my head hurts. But well everything is out of line these frikkin days and nothing seems like can be done about them. I put jumper on making sure my bed is tidy and dirty covers were zapped somewhere into next millennium I hope it didn't fall into someone bed instead, that would be awkward. Oh well... I scanned room once again and not noticing anything suspicious left room I could already smell coffee from kitchen and hear voices.

"Hey Tessa hey Ash"  
"Hey, G. Why WOAH what's up with no colour?"

"Leave my COLOLOR alone, and hey its not bad, and besides look at yourself before you talk smart pants"

"OI, don't bitch around in the morning, and eat your breakfast and Gideon you over did it last night didn't you? Ash brought you here, and you were out cold. Scared heck out of me." Tessa came over and hugged me I hugged back.

"Sorry, Tes. But I am fine and I have Ash to take care of me, besides I think I just did fine don't worry."

"I cant stop worrying, stupid." But Tessa smiled and I knew everything was fine.

"Ahem."

"What nowwwww?"

"It is not that I don't like how you to are all happy family and tralalal but food is getting cold, and I didn't run for 10 mins to get these buns to let them get cold."

"Roger, mom"

Ash threw empty coke can at me but I cached it and Tessa smiled, well at least so far everything is so good.

"You know if you want it you have to jump on it"

"Huh?" That's all I could say since my mouth was full with cereal and probably I looked like hamster, old habits never die.

"I noticed your mood this morning and felt some emotions, just saying..." Ash narrowed his eyes suspiciously and I choked while taking a sip of coffee. Smooth...

"What are you two on about?"

"Nothing Tessa, nothing at all" He said and I just nodded since I was still trying not to die.

_I am going to choke daylights out of you. _And mentally I create image of me choking Ash to death.

_Bring it on sparkle. _

Well at least everything was somehow at least ordinary, but it didn't meant I was not going to kill him or just nearly kill later.

"Tessa, do you need any help today? Or do Institute need our help? Or whatever?"

"I told them yesterday not to bother you for this week you know you ain't really suitable with your power loss since you over did it. So now take easy for some time." - Said Ash.

"But I don't feel tired … or anything close to it" - to be honest I felt hipper even, like pumped with energy or something..

"Well I am not carrying you again"

"I am not heavy!"

Ash just rolled his eyes.

"Both of you shush, and no I don't need any help like what could you two help me with? Just wreck what I am doing anyway, most likely and well I am not doing anything today anyway maybe meeting old friend in France"

"France... nice..." Being warlock has its bonus no airplane needed to get anywhere. 5 points of advantages of being warlock other thousand left of disadvantages or more pain in ass. Well not bad...

"So both of you have free day whatever, just don't get into some disastrous situations."

"We never do something like that" I said even thought that was plain lie that all of us knew.

Thinking for a minute I came up with something I long time wanted to try. Even though I was sure Tessa and Ash would chop my head off with chopsticks.

"How about hunting some forsaken? I heard there is over load of them, not I would get some practice with sword, but Ash would be able to find all his focus pocus stuff I mean his being body guard focus pocus since I am the one who does other focus pocus and so on..."

"I don't know.. maybe.."

"Tessa, I will be fine besides Ash will be there also and I am not 10 any more I can pretty much do some damage myself"

_Please be on this with me I am going to go insane of boredom ._

_Ugh what can I see sure, I feel like kicking some ass as well. Gideon._

"Tessa, we will be fine besides I am sure we are going to run into some of shadowhunters anyway if it is to serious we just pop away from there, no worries."

Tessa looked like she wanted to agree, but in the end just nodded with a sign.

What's up with "sign" today?

We spent much of the day doing usual thing which is doing nothing until dawn came and we were ready to go for a little walk into woods. Ha Ha no more likely park near Institute like Ash said just in case, and it was not like we were looking for some demons. No offence Ash. But it was not like they didn't pop out from anywhere it didn't feel like anything was going to happen so I just kept stabbing ground with tip of sword, which was not something awesome to do, but well its not like there was much of a choice.

"Hey, Ash so what did happen yesterday?"

"Not sure you collapsed I brought you back home, for some reason everything is a little clouded in my mind about what happened yesterday"

"So it is not just me..."

"Hmm..."

"Ash you know how it feels when you have been looking forward to something for ages and when it is there at last it doesn't seem so great?"

"What do you mean? And yea I guess sometimes, but why sore look?"

"Don t know, just well I wonder if it was right choice to do what I did yesterday, since I don't have a clue if it worked out or not... and just Magnus makes me feel weird not in bad way, well in bad way sometimes also..."

"I don't know exactly what happened back there but I am sure you did just fine and about Magnus... Was that dream I get now you had about him?"

"Hmm..." even thinking about it made my blush like teenager girl...

"I take that as yes. Well don't get your hopes high or anything, but I think you did right thing to accept working with him and all"

It was getting cold and windy, where we were sitting under some sort of tree, people walked past, some of them hurried some even ran. Everyone was getting ready to go home. I hugged myself and stupidly poked my own hand with studs since my white leather jacket was covered with them.

"Want to know something?" I asked him.

"Sure."

"One of football fan once tried to punch me while I was wearing this jacket..."

"And..?"

"Well me being all high sparkles and stuff made studs a little bit sharper and pointer.. if you get what I mean"

"I think I do and I like where this goes" He grinned.

"So that fool jumped back like he was electrocuted, really sometimes I don't get mundanes."

"Nobody does, even they don't get each other from time to time."

"And I feel like dick sitting here."

"Stop whining it was your idea and I can hear something, and it is not mundane or animal.."

"U huh"

I stood up while Ash turned around in circle scanning everything near by. Something went straight for me and I ducked low while bringing sword and stabbing into whatever it was chest only loud scream pierced the night, but I was sure nobody heard it since mundanes were not allowed to see things that were supernatural as someone might say.

I could see Ash snapping one creatures neck like it was made of chicken bone and deep down I enjoyed how that thing screamed and blood boiled up from the wound, but it was some deep part of my mind I knew that. At least I hoped I did.

Something hit my head and knocked me of balance, I can hear Ash screaming my name, but it sounds far away.

Stupid me daydreaming while demons are around. There is suddenly stabbing pain in my side and crack which makes me scream once again, I close my eyes and clench my fists. I don't want to die here in this stupid place with my jacket I love being ruined and with some low ass demon, there is no way some stupid claw is going to take my life away.

I feel new pulse of power and strength inside of me and it is bubbling like lava, I release my fists and blue sparks fly knocking creature of me and sending it flying down to grass, I grab sword I had and throw it, it reaches its destination and goes to hilt to creatures chest with piercing scream the thing disappears and sword clatters to ground. I scramble myself to my feet and try to see where is Ash but I cant see him, fears grips me and I can sense something behind me, quickly I turn around and there is another forsaken, but different from other ones and somewhere deep in my mind I know it is Greater Demon.

Without words it lunges at me and last second I get out of a way, but almost lose my balance. My head is starting to pound and I can well warm liquid tickling down my right cheek, this was stupid idea, but there is no other choice. I try to heal myself but I don't have time for it Greater Demon this time with ridiculously speed punches me in chest witch makes me fly and hit a tree trunk.

Black spots dance across my vision and pounding in the head is so loud and I once again magic is not there when I need it no matter how many times I try it doesn't work. I grit my teeth and get to my feet even when ground is slightly swinging when I stand up.

Once again demon is lunging at me but I have a chance to step away. While trying to keep my balance through the throbbing in my head. But not for long I trip over myself but I at least land where my sword has been left I grab it quickly and roll to side to ignore claws coming for me even when I feel like screaming when my left side touches ground, but finally once I stand up and jump and this time I am lucky my whole body tenses like a bow when I feel the edge of my sword slide into demons side.

It steps back and puts clawed hand on the wound. But it is not done before I know what is happening he is coming forward and I feel his claws sink into my chest while sending me flying towards another tree most likely, pain is unbelievable but I don't know from where I still have some strength even when I feel blood this time leaving my mouth.

"Fuck! I wont let you get me DAMMIT!" I scream but I cant stop black spots that are appearing in my vision and everything is getting blurry. I don't want to die this way fuck, Magnus...and where is Ash damn someone, but I cant stop darkness taking me, my eyes are slowly closing.

_I wont let you die. Now take a break..._

_My dear_

…


	22. Chapter 22

**Short chapter - a lil bit dark.. why ohh I shall say you guys should know why ;D *evil grin***

* * *

Finally. Being stuck in that hole sucks as fuck. And that dumb ass once again is on verge of death, well duh as much Death itself can die, which is confusing as fuck right now. But nothing can be done about it. There is other things to take care of, like that son of a bitch Demon well I would thank him for letting me out, or helping if not situations where everything hurts as fuck. But well pain is nothing I am free... And it is already fading away good thing I wont even feel it soon enough.

"Hey you ugly scum, run away if you don't want to be cut into pieces, you hear me." It looks like that thing cant understand me well to bad, in his case. I wipe away trail of blood that is slowly going down my chin, and spit.

Demon jumps forward like some fucking spider and grabs my shoulder then punches. More blood leaves my mouth, but sadly I cant feel pain it is only pissing me off, being locked in that hole and now being punched like bag is not something I enjoy.

I hear what sounds like twigs snapping and I know that it is actually a whole bunch of ribs. Maybe even whole fucking cage. I see red and instantly put my hands in front of me it touches creatures chest and I send it flying back black flame sparks from my hands.

Screams fills air and I can tell even Greater Demon is scared and I smile, I can smell his fear and it is like drug, I can already imagine my own hands covered in his blood. Smell of it. I lift my hand and sword flows to me shinning black I can feel its hunger it is screaming for blood and flesh, and I am more than happy to obey its wish. I slowly walk towards Greater Demon while keep punching with black flame so that bastard is not able to stand, I am slowly breaking every single bone in its body I can hear almost same sound I know my ribs made, luckily I don't feel anything, but sadly later this body is going to feel everything.

When I am in front of demon I strike with sword but I don't aim for a point where it is going to kill it, no its more fun to watch how terror fills Greater Demons eyes, creatures that everyone is scared eyes is filled with fear of me and I am loving it, I love how he knows end is coming and he is not able to do anything.

I actually start to laugh while bringing sword back and worth chopping its leg then arm off, blood splatters my face and I lick away one drop. Still it is trying to bite me and I let demon do it, it is not like I feel any pain and its not like I am going to die and I don't think this body is going to die either.

When I feel demons teeth sink in my shoulder I twist my arm and my sword goes into his cheek. I twist sword in his mouth, and he releases his teeth from my shoulder. Surprisingly I can feel my shoulder is healing itself. Bones are being covered with skin again, blood stops going out from wound. I touch my shoulder and my hand comes away stained with blood, I look at it and bring it to my mouth then lick it.

It tastes like metal and like life. After all blood is life. Finally I look at now almost dead thing in front of my and bring sword up and with one swing cut its head off, but with spell I make his soul or whatever it is not able to leave, I have something else in mind.

I strike sword down to ground and it goes deep, black smokes comes out of it and then red soft glow appears in the shape of circle. Then there is hole in the ground and I toss demons head into after kick its body, black hands appears and grabs the body while dragging down, I am satisfied, because I can hear creature that should be feared screaming for mercy...

Damn, fuck I can already feel that dumb-ass waking up in the place where I am locked, and I am not strong enough now to fight him besides I feel like the lights are blinking off and on. I can taste blood in mouth and I know this body has reached its limit. I stumble forward and fall to one knee, this time I am going to let him lock my inside but he wont be able to lock me forever since I have gotten out already it is only matter of time.

My vision clouds over and I close my eyes I can feel myself slipping away but this time I don't fight it, but I make sure he hears my words, before I slip away.

_You wont be able to run from any more_

_And you wont be able to lock my forever_


End file.
